It's coming up on new years and with that many people go through the whole "New Years Resolutions" thing. Personally I don't bother, I mean if I want to change something, why wait for the start of the New Year? Though, of course, why would I want to change anything about me anyway? :)
But in the spirit of helping others I figured I'd do what I can. I already wrote "The Casselberry Diet" which has helped countless people get on and stay on a diet. So rather than help out the fat people, I figured I'd take a poke at smokers. As usual these may not be politically correct, so if that sort of thing bothers you, rather than bitch about it, stop reading now.
So here are the top ten reasons to stop smoking....
10. I just bought a ton of stock in Nicorette
9. All the smokers in front of the building are scaring off my fans....
8. Snipers often will focus in on something as small as a lit cigarette. Not everyone has to worry about snipers, but you never know.
7. Cigarette smoking gets blamed for everything else, so I'm sure it probably causes global warming too.
6. Don't you guys watch TV? I mean 64% of action movies have at least one explosion caused by a lit cigarette, clearly if it's in a movie it must be true.
5. If you spend too much money on smoking, that's less money you can spend on me, and after all aint I worth it?
4. If people quit smoking they will get fat and then need to buy my diet book.
3. There is that whole pesky dying thing....
2. Quitting is easy. My step father has quit dozens of times.
And the number one reason to quit smoking
Recent studies have shown that women who smoke are 73% more likely to perform oral sex. Hey I like getting my knob polished as much as the next guy but... Wait a minute, what the heck am I saying? Light up ladies, first pack is on me.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The real reason behind the blackberry outages
Ugh blackberry is down again. Of course there must be a very good reason. In fact here are ten of them…..
10. Internet router connected to light switch and Chevy Chase’s wife keeps messing with it
9. They are trying to compete with AT&T and the iphone for worst customer services
8. Screw it, it’s just customers.
7. The blackberry support guys were lonely tonight and some asshole in IT started blocking them from calling 900 numbers
6. It’s not totally down, you can still play brickbreaker
5. They are trying to force good family values and get us to spend quality time away from the device
4. Santa is updating his naughty and nice contacts
3. With twitter they weren’t sure they were needed anyway
2. Their network is a little slow and this is a leftover y2k bug
But the real reason blackberry is down.
That dipshit Casselberry needs something else to write about
10. Internet router connected to light switch and Chevy Chase’s wife keeps messing with it
9. They are trying to compete with AT&T and the iphone for worst customer services
8. Screw it, it’s just customers.
7. The blackberry support guys were lonely tonight and some asshole in IT started blocking them from calling 900 numbers
6. It’s not totally down, you can still play brickbreaker
5. They are trying to force good family values and get us to spend quality time away from the device
4. Santa is updating his naughty and nice contacts
3. With twitter they weren’t sure they were needed anyway
2. Their network is a little slow and this is a leftover y2k bug
But the real reason blackberry is down.
That dipshit Casselberry needs something else to write about
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tips to age gracefully
Well my boss turned 50 this week. It seems we are all getting older. Some of us are wiser too, but many are just older. I figured, seeing as how I like to think I'm wiser, I should share some of my tips for aging gracefully.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
Friday, December 11, 2009
Why I love power outages
I was surprised the other day to wake up to 10” of snow and no power. As I sat there in the cold, dark house that night I had time to think of the fifteen things I love about not having power.
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Ways to get on my good side
Well it's almost Christmas and I'm sure everyone is wondering what they can do to get on my good side. Other than the red suit and the beard I sort of look like Santa so being on my "nice list" is, well, nice. Of course some may want to be on my naughty list but that's definitely a different and preferably offline, discussion....
So since everyone is asking what they can do to make me happy, at least until I wake up, here are some tips.
Tip #1
I like brownies (or cookies) with no nuts. I'm not asking you to make them special for me with no nuts. I mean what kind of arrogant prick would say that? No I just ask that you leave them whole so you can pick them out for me.
Tip #2
Notice how I look. It takes me hours each year.
Tip #3
Its stressful being me, you know with my IT groupies and all, so surprise me with a massage. A gift certificate will do fine to avoid any inappropriateness, if you happen to worry about such things. If you do the gift certificate I do ask that it is not to a dude named Biff. No offense to dudes named Biff just not my thing.
Tip #4
Do my work for me or at least keep people from interrupting my afternoon naps.
Tip #5
I like to be told how young I look. I don't, I just like to be told it. Ditto for smart, charming, attractive etc. Its ok if you don't mean it. It really only matters that I think you mean it
Tip #6
I like presents. Ask me I can send you a list.
So since everyone is asking what they can do to make me happy, at least until I wake up, here are some tips.
Tip #1
I like brownies (or cookies) with no nuts. I'm not asking you to make them special for me with no nuts. I mean what kind of arrogant prick would say that? No I just ask that you leave them whole so you can pick them out for me.
Tip #2
Notice how I look. It takes me hours each year.
Tip #3
Its stressful being me, you know with my IT groupies and all, so surprise me with a massage. A gift certificate will do fine to avoid any inappropriateness, if you happen to worry about such things. If you do the gift certificate I do ask that it is not to a dude named Biff. No offense to dudes named Biff just not my thing.
Tip #4
Do my work for me or at least keep people from interrupting my afternoon naps.
Tip #5
I like to be told how young I look. I don't, I just like to be told it. Ditto for smart, charming, attractive etc. Its ok if you don't mean it. It really only matters that I think you mean it
Tip #6
I like presents. Ask me I can send you a list.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Lines sure to get you in trouble
At some point in every relationship, at least any lasting more than say 6-8 hours, you are going to say something stupid, or one of your friends will for you. The best you can do it try to avoid the top ten most dangerous lines. So here they are....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Another Thanksgiving is almost here and as usual it is a time to reflect on all the things in our lives that we deserve to be thankful for. I know not everyone is in the US and thus not celebrating thanksgiving next week, but it's still a good thing to step back and realize we have it pretty good.
Of course I'm thankful for my family, friends and my good health, well relative good health. I'm thankful to run the world's best IT department, as voted for by the East Lebanon Maine Enterasys Users Group.
Of course, these emails wouldn’t be right without the top ten things that I'm really thankful for.
10. I'm thankful I'm not a vampire. In case you missed the "top ten reasons I'm glad I'm not a vampire", you can see it at http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-ten-reasons-im-glad-im-not-vampire.html
9. Tums, which over the years have changed from an after dinner "mint", to a side dish with my meal.
8. I'm not so feeble that I can't come up with ten things I'm thankful for
7. My six pack abs and the four inches of fat covering them to keep all the IT groupies from trying to feel them....
6. The fact that they gave me my new driver's license with no eye test
5. Heated seats, without them I'd still be trying to get my sore back out of the car from this morning.
4. I'm grateful that the radio is still loud enough to drown out the voices in my head
3. Scooter rearranged my Office. Apparently it helps my Chi, or something....
2. Ice cream day
And the number one thing I'm thankful for is
I'm very thankful for the fact that there were no cellphone cameras when I was younger
Of course I'm thankful for my family, friends and my good health, well relative good health. I'm thankful to run the world's best IT department, as voted for by the East Lebanon Maine Enterasys Users Group.
Of course, these emails wouldn’t be right without the top ten things that I'm really thankful for.
10. I'm thankful I'm not a vampire. In case you missed the "top ten reasons I'm glad I'm not a vampire", you can see it at http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-ten-reasons-im-glad-im-not-vampire.html
9. Tums, which over the years have changed from an after dinner "mint", to a side dish with my meal.
8. I'm not so feeble that I can't come up with ten things I'm thankful for
7. My six pack abs and the four inches of fat covering them to keep all the IT groupies from trying to feel them....
6. The fact that they gave me my new driver's license with no eye test
5. Heated seats, without them I'd still be trying to get my sore back out of the car from this morning.
4. I'm grateful that the radio is still loud enough to drown out the voices in my head
3. Scooter rearranged my Office. Apparently it helps my Chi, or something....
2. Ice cream day
And the number one thing I'm thankful for is
I'm very thankful for the fact that there were no cellphone cameras when I was younger
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The real reasons, why gay marriage failed in Maine
10. We were hoping to get Carrie Prejean to come visit. In fact I bet there is a coffee shop in Vassalboro that would hire her.
9. There are already too many people from away, why encourage more.
8. Actually with all the budget cuts, the ballot counters just got tired and guessed.
7. We just wanted to piss off the governor by voting another of his laws out.
6. Anything to get rid of those damn annoying commercials.
5. Having to teach gay lifestyles in school just seemed like too much work
4. We knew it would drive that asshole Perez Hitlon batty. Now if we can just get Chris Brown to go on that hunting trip with us. I mean we did buy him that nice brown suede hunting jacket, white gloves and deer antlers to rattle.
3. Haven't we done enough for the gays? I mean we gave them Ogunquit already.
2. We were too busy trying to figure out about the obscenity law in China
but the real reason we voted out gay marriage in Maine is...
We were afraid that would just mean more divorce lawyers and more lawyers is the last thing any of us want.....
and before you decide to post an annoying comment, this is humor folks....
9. There are already too many people from away, why encourage more.
8. Actually with all the budget cuts, the ballot counters just got tired and guessed.
7. We just wanted to piss off the governor by voting another of his laws out.
6. Anything to get rid of those damn annoying commercials.
5. Having to teach gay lifestyles in school just seemed like too much work
4. We knew it would drive that asshole Perez Hitlon batty. Now if we can just get Chris Brown to go on that hunting trip with us. I mean we did buy him that nice brown suede hunting jacket, white gloves and deer antlers to rattle.
3. Haven't we done enough for the gays? I mean we gave them Ogunquit already.
2. We were too busy trying to figure out about the obscenity law in China
but the real reason we voted out gay marriage in Maine is...
We were afraid that would just mean more divorce lawyers and more lawyers is the last thing any of us want.....
and before you decide to post an annoying comment, this is humor folks....
The top ten reasons I’m glad I’m not a vampire
Yes these are a little late...
10. With the price of coffins nowadays, who could afford it?
9. Dental insurance would be way too hard to get, and can you imagine trying to find a dentist to work on teeth that sharp, that only works nights
8. "I want to suck your blood" Really? Does that line ever work?
7. I have bad night vision
6. I'd miss garlic bread
5. I'm too vain to not be able to see myself in a mirror
4. I hate those damn transylvanian winters
3. Those big stone castles cost a fortune to heat
2. I hate morning blood breath
And the number one reason I’m glad to not be a vampire…. I can't pull off the black cape look.
10. With the price of coffins nowadays, who could afford it?
9. Dental insurance would be way too hard to get, and can you imagine trying to find a dentist to work on teeth that sharp, that only works nights
8. "I want to suck your blood" Really? Does that line ever work?
7. I have bad night vision
6. I'd miss garlic bread
5. I'm too vain to not be able to see myself in a mirror
4. I hate those damn transylvanian winters
3. Those big stone castles cost a fortune to heat
2. I hate morning blood breath
And the number one reason I’m glad to not be a vampire…. I can't pull off the black cape look.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Halloween survival tips
I happened to watch Halloween 4 last night and realized people just don't know how to deal with scary things. So if you find yourself in a horror movie try to remember these handy tips.....
10. If one of you ends up missing - don't split up to look
9. Don't scream, when you are trying to hide.
8. You will always drop the weapon you have when you need it most, and your perfectly running car will not start either.
7. It's always behind you. If your back's to the wall, it will go through it
6. Begging for your life to a psychotic killer only makes him or her laugh. Save your breath, it may be your last
5. Don't go to the basement, it's not safe. Of course the whole house isn't safe so maybe that doesn't matter
4. Never check to see if the monster is dead, he's not. Just keep running
3. If you are lucky enough to find a cop halfway through the night, it's a safe bet he is crazy too
2. Ouija boards are not a joke, especially at night, in the dark, in a haunted house.
And the number one tip
If you hear a chainsaw running, don't bother asking "Who's there?"
On a completely unrelated post my ankle is much better. I ended up calling the doctor's office to see if I needed to go in. It started turning purple and I had a fingernail do that once and it fell off, so I figured I'd better be safe. The nurst of course laughed when I mentioned that but did say if my foot fell off to pick it up and give them a ring. So far it hasn't, but if you happen to notice a left size 10 by the road, grab it for me just in case......
10. If one of you ends up missing - don't split up to look
9. Don't scream, when you are trying to hide.
8. You will always drop the weapon you have when you need it most, and your perfectly running car will not start either.
7. It's always behind you. If your back's to the wall, it will go through it
6. Begging for your life to a psychotic killer only makes him or her laugh. Save your breath, it may be your last
5. Don't go to the basement, it's not safe. Of course the whole house isn't safe so maybe that doesn't matter
4. Never check to see if the monster is dead, he's not. Just keep running
3. If you are lucky enough to find a cop halfway through the night, it's a safe bet he is crazy too
2. Ouija boards are not a joke, especially at night, in the dark, in a haunted house.
And the number one tip
If you hear a chainsaw running, don't bother asking "Who's there?"
On a completely unrelated post my ankle is much better. I ended up calling the doctor's office to see if I needed to go in. It started turning purple and I had a fingernail do that once and it fell off, so I figured I'd better be safe. The nurst of course laughed when I mentioned that but did say if my foot fell off to pick it up and give them a ring. So far it hasn't, but if you happen to notice a left size 10 by the road, grab it for me just in case......
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sprained ankle
Well I managed to twist my ankle this weekend rock climbing. Well rock climbing is a bit of a stretch, at least what most people would consider rock climbing. You see I was actually trying to get a bucket of water out of the lake to prime the stupid water pump when I tripped going down over the rocks and twisted my ankle.
Technically, there were rocks, I was climbing down them and lets be honest, it sounds much cooler and manly saying "rock climbing" than fetching a bucket of water. I mean otherwise it sort of sounds like a "Jack and Jill" spinoff.
Richie Rich went down the hill
to get a pail of water
he fell down
but had no crown
and now needs crutches
Ok yeah that does suck, but I never claimed to be a poet.
Someone suggested I have someone look at it. While I didn't go to the hospital or the Dr's office. I looked at it and it seems OK. I know I'm not a doctor, but my handwriting's really bad so that's' got to count for something.
Technically, there were rocks, I was climbing down them and lets be honest, it sounds much cooler and manly saying "rock climbing" than fetching a bucket of water. I mean otherwise it sort of sounds like a "Jack and Jill" spinoff.
Richie Rich went down the hill
to get a pail of water
he fell down
but had no crown
and now needs crutches
Ok yeah that does suck, but I never claimed to be a poet.
Someone suggested I have someone look at it. While I didn't go to the hospital or the Dr's office. I looked at it and it seems OK. I know I'm not a doctor, but my handwriting's really bad so that's' got to count for something.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
NYC
I got to go to the Big Apple last week for work and I must admit it's a little different than my small town in Maine. Some of the major differences are.
Traffic lights
In Maine we have traffic lights, contrary to popular opinion, in fact in my town we have two of them. They are even the upgraded ones that change color from red to green to yellow, not just the blinkers we used to have. In NYC though they have lights all over the place, even some for people telling them when they can cross the street.
Restaurants
Ayuh we got these in Maine too, some are even the cool ones that you don't even need to leave the car to eat. Some are the fancy ones with printed out menus and some of the real fancy ones even have cloth napkins. In NYC though, every block had dozens of places to eat. Most of them I have no idea what it is I would have been eating, so I avoided them. One of my cardinal rules is, if you don;t know what 50% of the menu is, you shouldn't be there.
Nightlife
I know Maine nightlife seems like an oxymoron, but there are things to do in Maine after hours. You can have a bonfire, go visit friends, do chores like shovel snow, or chip ice, go to sleep, the options aren't exactly endless, but there are things to do. In NYC though you can apparently do anything at any hour. They had places open even past 9:00 when I went to sleep. Heck I bet some of them were open till damn near midnight.
Driving
I don't usually get car sick, but Holy Crap, cabby's and drivers in general are nuts down there. I mean I've been known to swerve and cross lanes, but only to avoid a chicken in the road, or a moose. They switch lanes just for practice I think, which would be fine, if there weren't cars already in the lane they wanted to suddenly move to. And what's up with the horns? I'm pretty sure you could disable a car by disconnecting the horn. People wouldn't know how to drive in the city without one. In Maine I use my horn to say "Hi neighbor!", in NYC I'm pretty sure, based on the hand and finger gestures, it means something different.
Overall it was nice to see, much different than I'm used to. The people were interesting, though I think I insulted the cab driver once or twice. He knew it was my first time to NYC so wanted to show me some sights. "and this is central park...".
I should have just ooohed and aahhed, but instead I blurted out "Really trees and grass? I've seen those before". Whoops.
Traffic lights
In Maine we have traffic lights, contrary to popular opinion, in fact in my town we have two of them. They are even the upgraded ones that change color from red to green to yellow, not just the blinkers we used to have. In NYC though they have lights all over the place, even some for people telling them when they can cross the street.
Restaurants
Ayuh we got these in Maine too, some are even the cool ones that you don't even need to leave the car to eat. Some are the fancy ones with printed out menus and some of the real fancy ones even have cloth napkins. In NYC though, every block had dozens of places to eat. Most of them I have no idea what it is I would have been eating, so I avoided them. One of my cardinal rules is, if you don;t know what 50% of the menu is, you shouldn't be there.
Nightlife
I know Maine nightlife seems like an oxymoron, but there are things to do in Maine after hours. You can have a bonfire, go visit friends, do chores like shovel snow, or chip ice, go to sleep, the options aren't exactly endless, but there are things to do. In NYC though you can apparently do anything at any hour. They had places open even past 9:00 when I went to sleep. Heck I bet some of them were open till damn near midnight.
Driving
I don't usually get car sick, but Holy Crap, cabby's and drivers in general are nuts down there. I mean I've been known to swerve and cross lanes, but only to avoid a chicken in the road, or a moose. They switch lanes just for practice I think, which would be fine, if there weren't cars already in the lane they wanted to suddenly move to. And what's up with the horns? I'm pretty sure you could disable a car by disconnecting the horn. People wouldn't know how to drive in the city without one. In Maine I use my horn to say "Hi neighbor!", in NYC I'm pretty sure, based on the hand and finger gestures, it means something different.
Overall it was nice to see, much different than I'm used to. The people were interesting, though I think I insulted the cab driver once or twice. He knew it was my first time to NYC so wanted to show me some sights. "and this is central park...".
I should have just ooohed and aahhed, but instead I blurted out "Really trees and grass? I've seen those before". Whoops.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
ten more ways to tell if you are from maine.
10. You’ve used an outhouse and not found it “quaint” or odd.
9. If you have ever traded pelts at Kittery Trading Post for “supplies”
8. If you have ever gotten in a fight over how to split a roadkill moose.
7. If you have ever had to snowshoe to the gas station
6. Going four wheeling and going to town are the same thing
5. You have a favorite brand of chainsaw
4. You have ever raced a skidder
3. You “pop on over” to Canada to use the bathroom
2. You’re car emergency kit contains a shovel, a backup shovel, tow rope, blankets, boots, food, water and one of them new fangled, cell phone thingies
And the number one way to tell you are from maine
You’ve read all of these and thinking ayuh he’s right…..
9. If you have ever traded pelts at Kittery Trading Post for “supplies”
8. If you have ever gotten in a fight over how to split a roadkill moose.
7. If you have ever had to snowshoe to the gas station
6. Going four wheeling and going to town are the same thing
5. You have a favorite brand of chainsaw
4. You have ever raced a skidder
3. You “pop on over” to Canada to use the bathroom
2. You’re car emergency kit contains a shovel, a backup shovel, tow rope, blankets, boots, food, water and one of them new fangled, cell phone thingies
And the number one way to tell you are from maine
You’ve read all of these and thinking ayuh he’s right…..
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Top ten ways to tell if you are frome Maine
Top ten signs you could be from Maine
10 You have a gun rack….. in your convertible
9 You ever bought a motor vehicle with rolls of change
8 You can tell the difference between hail, sleet, freezing rain by the sound they make
7 You drive more miles on your tractor than your car
6 You have ever walked through Canada as a shortcut
5 You pronounce Augusta and Bangor like Auguster and Bangah
4 You have ever looked at a license plate to decide which directions to give someone who asks
3 You have more than one spare tire, and a tow rope in your vehicle….just in case
2 You have a spare truck in case your good one gets stuck in the ditch
And the number one way to tell if you are from Maine
You ever sold something you found on the beach to a tourist
10 You have a gun rack….. in your convertible
9 You ever bought a motor vehicle with rolls of change
8 You can tell the difference between hail, sleet, freezing rain by the sound they make
7 You drive more miles on your tractor than your car
6 You have ever walked through Canada as a shortcut
5 You pronounce Augusta and Bangor like Auguster and Bangah
4 You have ever looked at a license plate to decide which directions to give someone who asks
3 You have more than one spare tire, and a tow rope in your vehicle….just in case
2 You have a spare truck in case your good one gets stuck in the ditch
And the number one way to tell if you are from Maine
You ever sold something you found on the beach to a tourist
Monday, September 14, 2009
Things that make you wonder
If you want to lose twice as much weight, can't you just eat both weight watchers and nutrisystem?
I know stay at home moms have it hard. I mean they do all the housework, cook the food, raise the kids. It really is a full time job. I get it, but why do they get so mad when you give them a performance review?
Sort of makes you wonder.....
“Honey, cheer up, just because you can’t touch your ankles any more at least soon your boobs will”. Even if it's true, don't say it. In fact especially if it's true don't say it.
and one final thought for the day.....
Relationships are hard. Guys, we think we are being helpful but we aren’t. My ex-wife was an animal lover and said she wanted to be buried out back with the pets. Being a nice guy, I decided to surprise her and went out back and dug a hole. I was three feet down when she came out
“What the hell are you doing? I meant when I died, are you a complete idiot?”
“Nope” I replied, “just a wishful thinker” and that’s when the fight started...
I know stay at home moms have it hard. I mean they do all the housework, cook the food, raise the kids. It really is a full time job. I get it, but why do they get so mad when you give them a performance review?
Sort of makes you wonder.....
“Honey, cheer up, just because you can’t touch your ankles any more at least soon your boobs will”. Even if it's true, don't say it. In fact especially if it's true don't say it.
and one final thought for the day.....
Relationships are hard. Guys, we think we are being helpful but we aren’t. My ex-wife was an animal lover and said she wanted to be buried out back with the pets. Being a nice guy, I decided to surprise her and went out back and dug a hole. I was three feet down when she came out
“What the hell are you doing? I meant when I died, are you a complete idiot?”
“Nope” I replied, “just a wishful thinker” and that’s when the fight started...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Geek pickup lines
Geek Pick-up lines
10. You're even prettier than the girl on my screensaver.
9. My Mom will love you.
8. Wanna use my wifi connection?
7. Yeah I'm a producer. I've got my own youtube channel
6. Can I get a picture with you for myspace?
5. Will you be my Facebook friend?
4. If you give me your cell phone number, I'll make your blackberry vibrate.
3. You know, I have 3G.
2. Hey baby, wanna follow my tweets?
and the number one geek pickup line.....
You're so hot you make my Iphone want to explode in my pants.
10. You're even prettier than the girl on my screensaver.
9. My Mom will love you.
8. Wanna use my wifi connection?
7. Yeah I'm a producer. I've got my own youtube channel
6. Can I get a picture with you for myspace?
5. Will you be my Facebook friend?
4. If you give me your cell phone number, I'll make your blackberry vibrate.
3. You know, I have 3G.
2. Hey baby, wanna follow my tweets?
and the number one geek pickup line.....
You're so hot you make my Iphone want to explode in my pants.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
iphone blues
Sung to the song smugglers blues by Glenn Frey. In case you don’t know the song... http://www.mtv.com/videos/glenn-frey/256466/smugglers-blues.jhtml
There's trouble on the LAN tonight, I can feel it in my bones
I had a premonition that he should not swap his phone
I knew iphones were deadly but I didn’t think they’d kill
his 3gs exploded and the blood began to spill
So baby, here's your ticket, and the suitcase in your hand
Here's another sim card, now do it just the way we planned
block google voice in twenty countries, Jobs’ll pay you twenty grand
I'm sorry it went down like this, but someone had to lose
It's the nature of the business, it's the iphone blues
Blackberry and the treo, the envy and the bold
The coverage and the deadzones, and the things that make you cold
Don’t matter about the appstore, cost or where you be
You’ve got to get an iphone if you are an EVP
There's lots of shady characters and lots of dirty deals
Every name's an alias in case somebody squeals
It's the lure of itunes music, it's got a very strong appeal
Perhaps you'd understand it better listening to my songs
It's the ultimate enticement, it's the iphone blues
You see it in the headlines, you hear it every day
They say google will top it, but it doesn't go away
They screw you with their contract and sell it in their stores
They roll them out as cellular and man it's here to stay
It's propping up the governments in China and here too
You ask any wireless, man, they'll say there's nothing we can do
From the office of verizon right down to me and you
Me and you
It's a losing proposition, but one you can't refuse
It's the politics of wireless, it's the iphone blues
There's trouble on the LAN tonight, I can feel it in my bones
I had a premonition that he should not swap his phone
I knew iphones were deadly but I didn’t think they’d kill
his 3gs exploded and the blood began to spill
So baby, here's your ticket, and the suitcase in your hand
Here's another sim card, now do it just the way we planned
block google voice in twenty countries, Jobs’ll pay you twenty grand
I'm sorry it went down like this, but someone had to lose
It's the nature of the business, it's the iphone blues
Blackberry and the treo, the envy and the bold
The coverage and the deadzones, and the things that make you cold
Don’t matter about the appstore, cost or where you be
You’ve got to get an iphone if you are an EVP
There's lots of shady characters and lots of dirty deals
Every name's an alias in case somebody squeals
It's the lure of itunes music, it's got a very strong appeal
Perhaps you'd understand it better listening to my songs
It's the ultimate enticement, it's the iphone blues
You see it in the headlines, you hear it every day
They say google will top it, but it doesn't go away
They screw you with their contract and sell it in their stores
They roll them out as cellular and man it's here to stay
It's propping up the governments in China and here too
You ask any wireless, man, they'll say there's nothing we can do
From the office of verizon right down to me and you
Me and you
It's a losing proposition, but one you can't refuse
It's the politics of wireless, it's the iphone blues
Saturday, August 29, 2009
It's a long way to the top if you're working in IT
I have way too long of a ride to work, but luckily I have Siruis radio to make the trip better. It rocks and keeps me from having to listen to a DJ in the morning ramble on about stuff I don't care about. Really if I wanted that I'd listen to myself talk.
This morning though I had on "The Boneyard" a pretty kick ass hard rock station. They were rcanking some old ACDC song called "It's a long way to the top" and it got me thinking about how hard it is working in IT. Of course this prompted me to sing along with my own words. If you are a fan of the song you should be able to hear it in your head as you read the new lyrics. If not surf on over to itunes or something and listen to it.
Backing up the server
writing it to tape
gotta write protect it
make sure that it’s safe
Friggin late
seventh day
gotta go home
get some sleep
Gettin' paged
Gettin' called
I tell you folks
It's harder than it looks
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
If you think it's easy doin' ugrades man
Try doin the whole frigging LAN
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
Stupid virus
Make you wanna cry
trashing all your data
Know the reason why
no updates
missing certs
Gettin' kicked off
of the LAN
Gettin' pissed
getting slammed
That's how it goes
working for the man
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
If you wanna run MAC and PC’s
Look out it's rough and mean
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
This morning though I had on "The Boneyard" a pretty kick ass hard rock station. They were rcanking some old ACDC song called "It's a long way to the top" and it got me thinking about how hard it is working in IT. Of course this prompted me to sing along with my own words. If you are a fan of the song you should be able to hear it in your head as you read the new lyrics. If not surf on over to itunes or something and listen to it.
Backing up the server
writing it to tape
gotta write protect it
make sure that it’s safe
Friggin late
seventh day
gotta go home
get some sleep
Gettin' paged
Gettin' called
I tell you folks
It's harder than it looks
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
If you think it's easy doin' ugrades man
Try doin the whole frigging LAN
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
Stupid virus
Make you wanna cry
trashing all your data
Know the reason why
no updates
missing certs
Gettin' kicked off
of the LAN
Gettin' pissed
getting slammed
That's how it goes
working for the man
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
If you wanna run MAC and PC’s
Look out it's rough and mean
It's a long way to the top
If you’re working in IT
Friday, August 21, 2009
Another week gone
Well here we are at the end of another week and what a long week this seems to have been. I know many of you are going to the bar to celebrate and of course you shouldn't dink and drive. You also should know when to stop drinking so here are a few tips to help you. Of course you won't remember any of them when you really need them, but at least I can say "I told you so".
You spent 2 hours explaining why the dollar is failing.... to a large oak tree.
You just saw a large fluffy bunny, This can be OK on Easter Sunday.
Even the tequila worm won’t look you in the eyes
You look in the mirror and you aren’t in it. You could be a vampire but it’s unlikely. You should avoid garlic anyway to play it safe.
The last thing you remember is doing body shots in the bar and now you’re in a storefront in Amsterdam wearing nothing but a straightjacket and a for sale sign
You vaguely recall going to the strip club, but have no idea why they just sent you a paycheck.
You woke up on the beach... in northern canada, even worse you are surrounded by empty Molson lite cans
You remember jumping in a swimming pool, but somehow you now realize your foot is stuck in the toilet
Your friend just called asking if that's you in the youtube video that just went viral
You spent 2 hours explaining why the dollar is failing.... to a large oak tree.
You just saw a large fluffy bunny, This can be OK on Easter Sunday.
Even the tequila worm won’t look you in the eyes
You look in the mirror and you aren’t in it. You could be a vampire but it’s unlikely. You should avoid garlic anyway to play it safe.
The last thing you remember is doing body shots in the bar and now you’re in a storefront in Amsterdam wearing nothing but a straightjacket and a for sale sign
You vaguely recall going to the strip club, but have no idea why they just sent you a paycheck.
You woke up on the beach... in northern canada, even worse you are surrounded by empty Molson lite cans
You remember jumping in a swimming pool, but somehow you now realize your foot is stuck in the toilet
Your friend just called asking if that's you in the youtube video that just went viral
Friday, August 14, 2009
Ten things you don't want to hear at the beach
Well it's Friday and going to be wocked frigging hot, as we say in Maine when it's above 70. So I know some of you will be going to the beach.
If you are like me, there are some thing you just don't want to hear, so here is the top ten things you just don't want to hear at the beach
10. You’re stepping on my lunch.
9. Is that your girlfriend making out with the lifeguard?
8. Hey is that Casselberry…. In a speedo? Yeah you definitely don’t want that……
7. Wow you just missed Pamela Anderson doing a photo shoot.
6. Could you move a little to the left? Then you can block the sun for everyone on the beach.
5. If I rub your tummy can I make a wish? Oh sorry I thought you were Buddha
4. Shark
3. Even worse “Whale…”
2. Your hair is on fire
And the number one thing you don’t want to hear
“Nice ass….. and a half”
Enjoy the weekend…
If you are like me, there are some thing you just don't want to hear, so here is the top ten things you just don't want to hear at the beach
10. You’re stepping on my lunch.
9. Is that your girlfriend making out with the lifeguard?
8. Hey is that Casselberry…. In a speedo? Yeah you definitely don’t want that……
7. Wow you just missed Pamela Anderson doing a photo shoot.
6. Could you move a little to the left? Then you can block the sun for everyone on the beach.
5. If I rub your tummy can I make a wish? Oh sorry I thought you were Buddha
4. Shark
3. Even worse “Whale…”
2. Your hair is on fire
And the number one thing you don’t want to hear
“Nice ass….. and a half”
Enjoy the weekend…
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I know we are pretty well through ice cream season but since it's been a sort of slow season and many of you aren't prepared for it yet. In order to help prepare for it I created this handy tip list for you to follow.
Ten tips for ice cream season
10. Start building your tolerance now
9. Learn ice cream headache first aid
8. Find your stretchy pants now.
7. Frappes and shakes do not count against diets, they are drinks not deserts
6. It’s Ok to mix toppings, just make sure to keep the ice cream to topping ratio correct.
5. Coffee ice cream can be substituted for regular coffee for a morning pick me up
4. Unlike alcohol, mixing hard and soft ice cream won’t give you a hangover
3. Ice cream with fruit in it counts as fruit
2. Ice cream with vegetables is just gross, avoid it
And the number 1 tip for ice cream season
No matter what anyone says soy ice cream is not ice cream.
Ten tips for ice cream season
10. Start building your tolerance now
9. Learn ice cream headache first aid
8. Find your stretchy pants now.
7. Frappes and shakes do not count against diets, they are drinks not deserts
6. It’s Ok to mix toppings, just make sure to keep the ice cream to topping ratio correct.
5. Coffee ice cream can be substituted for regular coffee for a morning pick me up
4. Unlike alcohol, mixing hard and soft ice cream won’t give you a hangover
3. Ice cream with fruit in it counts as fruit
2. Ice cream with vegetables is just gross, avoid it
And the number 1 tip for ice cream season
No matter what anyone says soy ice cream is not ice cream.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Fat people
There are a lot of fat people. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with fat people, unless of course you get stuck between two of them on a long flight or something. It has sort of become an epidemic in the US anyway.
I was going to write a diet and nutrition book later but decided I better do it quick. I mean if greenhouse gases start ruining the crops the last thing I want is a bunch of fatties fighting over the last few ears of corn. Also with food crops now being turned into gas, that just makes it worse.
So I will be publishing "The Casselberry Diet' shortly. This book, based on extensive research (well it seemed extensive anyway) done by the East Lebanon Maine University, shows how to get on the "Casselberry Diet" and stay on it. It truly will be the easiest diet to stay on.
Here is what some famous people would say if I asked them, and could afford to hire them as sponsors"
Famous actor "It helps as much for someone trying to lose 5 pounds as someone trying to lose 500”
Famous actress “I’ve never been able to stay on a diet like the Casselberry diet.”
Some random cook critic that you never heard of "Rich Casselberry does it again"
Stay tuned for details as they become available.
I was going to write a diet and nutrition book later but decided I better do it quick. I mean if greenhouse gases start ruining the crops the last thing I want is a bunch of fatties fighting over the last few ears of corn. Also with food crops now being turned into gas, that just makes it worse.
So I will be publishing "The Casselberry Diet' shortly. This book, based on extensive research (well it seemed extensive anyway) done by the East Lebanon Maine University, shows how to get on the "Casselberry Diet" and stay on it. It truly will be the easiest diet to stay on.
Here is what some famous people would say if I asked them, and could afford to hire them as sponsors"
Famous actor "It helps as much for someone trying to lose 5 pounds as someone trying to lose 500”
Famous actress “I’ve never been able to stay on a diet like the Casselberry diet.”
Some random cook critic that you never heard of "Rich Casselberry does it again"
Stay tuned for details as they become available.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Doing my part for the economy and environment
My Hyundai was acting weird and I figured it was a good time to trade it and get something else. I ended up with the VW Jetta TDI that gets 40+mpg. In fact my average combined MPG is 44.9
Being my usual (feel free to use your own adjective…) self I decided to share the reasons I got this vehicle…
13. It has a kick ass six disc cd changer with 10 speakers and over 400 watts of power.
12. What? I can’t hear you
11. It’s my way of helping the economy. You're welcome.
10. I’m a big fan of Kermit the frog and want to be green too
9. Being able to open and close all the windows with a turn of the key is pretty cool
8. I feel like a trucker getting diesel
7. Sometime you have to know your fuel mileage right…. now
6. It has a cool flippy switchblade action key.
5. It has an iphone adapter, so now I have an excuse to get one of those too.
4. Heated seats seemed like an easier way than the gym to get that hot ass I wanted
3. It came with a hat
2. They have free coffee and donuts when you are in for service
But the main reason I bought this was
I wanted to know what it was like to trade a car instead of totaling it
Being my usual (feel free to use your own adjective…) self I decided to share the reasons I got this vehicle…
13. It has a kick ass six disc cd changer with 10 speakers and over 400 watts of power.
12. What? I can’t hear you
11. It’s my way of helping the economy. You're welcome.
10. I’m a big fan of Kermit the frog and want to be green too
9. Being able to open and close all the windows with a turn of the key is pretty cool
8. I feel like a trucker getting diesel
7. Sometime you have to know your fuel mileage right…. now
6. It has a cool flippy switchblade action key.
5. It has an iphone adapter, so now I have an excuse to get one of those too.
4. Heated seats seemed like an easier way than the gym to get that hot ass I wanted
3. It came with a hat
2. They have free coffee and donuts when you are in for service
But the main reason I bought this was
I wanted to know what it was like to trade a car instead of totaling it
Monday, August 3, 2009
First post and birthday thoughts
I like to think I've got something to share that may make your day a little brighter, you a little smarter, or frankly me a little richer. :) I mean I get all these ads telling me how I can make millions writing blog posts, and while I don't believe that any more than I believe Enzyte will work, this is a good place to vent.
Also it's a good place to test out material for my book, that I hope to publish (or better yet find a publisher for). The book is called "Turkeys don't have pink feathers" and is a collection of short, hopefully funny, stories of things that have happened to me over the years. You can get "nopinkturkeys" stuff at my cafepress site (http://www.cafepress.com/nopinkturkeys)
Well I just turned 40 a little while ago and on the 90 minute ride to work decided I would share some tips with my co-workers who were also having birthdays. So the following is a list of the top ten things to remember on your birthday.
10. Before asking where your glasses are, check your face, then your hands, then your pocket. If you don't have glasses, don't worry, either your time is coming or you are so old you forgot you can't see without them and they are already on your face.
9. Be careful what you wish for, someone may over hear you and think you are a freak.
8. Don't pee in the wind, or on a spark plug, electric fence or any other electrical device. Also do not pee on the neighbor's cat, especially if he can see you and is a cop, with a temper.... and a gun.
7. If one of your gifts is a can of peanuts, get someone else to open them. Something is sure to jump out of it and give you a heart attack.
6. It's OK to talk to yourself.... No it's not... yes it is....no.....we talked about this on the ride in, now shut up.... sorry
5. A bird in the hand.... probably will poop, put it back, quickly.
4. If you can't laugh at yourself, don't worry everyone else will laugh for you.
3. Before flushing the toilet, always pull up your pants. The last thing you want when a river of sewerage is coming at you is to have to try and run with your pants around your ankles. This applies everyday, not just birthdays.
2. When blowing out the candles on your cake take care. No one will want the piece with your teeth sticking out of it.
and the number one thing to remember on your birthday....
I forgot. Hey I'm old too.
Also it's a good place to test out material for my book, that I hope to publish (or better yet find a publisher for). The book is called "Turkeys don't have pink feathers" and is a collection of short, hopefully funny, stories of things that have happened to me over the years. You can get "nopinkturkeys" stuff at my cafepress site (http://www.cafepress.com/nopinkturkeys)
Well I just turned 40 a little while ago and on the 90 minute ride to work decided I would share some tips with my co-workers who were also having birthdays. So the following is a list of the top ten things to remember on your birthday.
10. Before asking where your glasses are, check your face, then your hands, then your pocket. If you don't have glasses, don't worry, either your time is coming or you are so old you forgot you can't see without them and they are already on your face.
9. Be careful what you wish for, someone may over hear you and think you are a freak.
8. Don't pee in the wind, or on a spark plug, electric fence or any other electrical device. Also do not pee on the neighbor's cat, especially if he can see you and is a cop, with a temper.... and a gun.
7. If one of your gifts is a can of peanuts, get someone else to open them. Something is sure to jump out of it and give you a heart attack.
6. It's OK to talk to yourself.... No it's not... yes it is....no.....we talked about this on the ride in, now shut up.... sorry
5. A bird in the hand.... probably will poop, put it back, quickly.
4. If you can't laugh at yourself, don't worry everyone else will laugh for you.
3. Before flushing the toilet, always pull up your pants. The last thing you want when a river of sewerage is coming at you is to have to try and run with your pants around your ankles. This applies everyday, not just birthdays.
2. When blowing out the candles on your cake take care. No one will want the piece with your teeth sticking out of it.
and the number one thing to remember on your birthday....
I forgot. Hey I'm old too.
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