It's coming up on new years and with that many people go through the whole "New Years Resolutions" thing. Personally I don't bother, I mean if I want to change something, why wait for the start of the New Year? Though, of course, why would I want to change anything about me anyway? :)
But in the spirit of helping others I figured I'd do what I can. I already wrote "The Casselberry Diet" which has helped countless people get on and stay on a diet. So rather than help out the fat people, I figured I'd take a poke at smokers. As usual these may not be politically correct, so if that sort of thing bothers you, rather than bitch about it, stop reading now.
So here are the top ten reasons to stop smoking....
10. I just bought a ton of stock in Nicorette
9. All the smokers in front of the building are scaring off my fans....
8. Snipers often will focus in on something as small as a lit cigarette. Not everyone has to worry about snipers, but you never know.
7. Cigarette smoking gets blamed for everything else, so I'm sure it probably causes global warming too.
6. Don't you guys watch TV? I mean 64% of action movies have at least one explosion caused by a lit cigarette, clearly if it's in a movie it must be true.
5. If you spend too much money on smoking, that's less money you can spend on me, and after all aint I worth it?
4. If people quit smoking they will get fat and then need to buy my diet book.
3. There is that whole pesky dying thing....
2. Quitting is easy. My step father has quit dozens of times.
And the number one reason to quit smoking
Recent studies have shown that women who smoke are 73% more likely to perform oral sex. Hey I like getting my knob polished as much as the next guy but... Wait a minute, what the heck am I saying? Light up ladies, first pack is on me.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The real reason behind the blackberry outages
Ugh blackberry is down again. Of course there must be a very good reason. In fact here are ten of them…..
10. Internet router connected to light switch and Chevy Chase’s wife keeps messing with it
9. They are trying to compete with AT&T and the iphone for worst customer services
8. Screw it, it’s just customers.
7. The blackberry support guys were lonely tonight and some asshole in IT started blocking them from calling 900 numbers
6. It’s not totally down, you can still play brickbreaker
5. They are trying to force good family values and get us to spend quality time away from the device
4. Santa is updating his naughty and nice contacts
3. With twitter they weren’t sure they were needed anyway
2. Their network is a little slow and this is a leftover y2k bug
But the real reason blackberry is down.
That dipshit Casselberry needs something else to write about
10. Internet router connected to light switch and Chevy Chase’s wife keeps messing with it
9. They are trying to compete with AT&T and the iphone for worst customer services
8. Screw it, it’s just customers.
7. The blackberry support guys were lonely tonight and some asshole in IT started blocking them from calling 900 numbers
6. It’s not totally down, you can still play brickbreaker
5. They are trying to force good family values and get us to spend quality time away from the device
4. Santa is updating his naughty and nice contacts
3. With twitter they weren’t sure they were needed anyway
2. Their network is a little slow and this is a leftover y2k bug
But the real reason blackberry is down.
That dipshit Casselberry needs something else to write about
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tips to age gracefully
Well my boss turned 50 this week. It seems we are all getting older. Some of us are wiser too, but many are just older. I figured, seeing as how I like to think I'm wiser, I should share some of my tips for aging gracefully.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
Friday, December 11, 2009
Why I love power outages
I was surprised the other day to wake up to 10” of snow and no power. As I sat there in the cold, dark house that night I had time to think of the fifteen things I love about not having power.
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Ways to get on my good side
Well it's almost Christmas and I'm sure everyone is wondering what they can do to get on my good side. Other than the red suit and the beard I sort of look like Santa so being on my "nice list" is, well, nice. Of course some may want to be on my naughty list but that's definitely a different and preferably offline, discussion....
So since everyone is asking what they can do to make me happy, at least until I wake up, here are some tips.
Tip #1
I like brownies (or cookies) with no nuts. I'm not asking you to make them special for me with no nuts. I mean what kind of arrogant prick would say that? No I just ask that you leave them whole so you can pick them out for me.
Tip #2
Notice how I look. It takes me hours each year.
Tip #3
Its stressful being me, you know with my IT groupies and all, so surprise me with a massage. A gift certificate will do fine to avoid any inappropriateness, if you happen to worry about such things. If you do the gift certificate I do ask that it is not to a dude named Biff. No offense to dudes named Biff just not my thing.
Tip #4
Do my work for me or at least keep people from interrupting my afternoon naps.
Tip #5
I like to be told how young I look. I don't, I just like to be told it. Ditto for smart, charming, attractive etc. Its ok if you don't mean it. It really only matters that I think you mean it
Tip #6
I like presents. Ask me I can send you a list.
So since everyone is asking what they can do to make me happy, at least until I wake up, here are some tips.
Tip #1
I like brownies (or cookies) with no nuts. I'm not asking you to make them special for me with no nuts. I mean what kind of arrogant prick would say that? No I just ask that you leave them whole so you can pick them out for me.
Tip #2
Notice how I look. It takes me hours each year.
Tip #3
Its stressful being me, you know with my IT groupies and all, so surprise me with a massage. A gift certificate will do fine to avoid any inappropriateness, if you happen to worry about such things. If you do the gift certificate I do ask that it is not to a dude named Biff. No offense to dudes named Biff just not my thing.
Tip #4
Do my work for me or at least keep people from interrupting my afternoon naps.
Tip #5
I like to be told how young I look. I don't, I just like to be told it. Ditto for smart, charming, attractive etc. Its ok if you don't mean it. It really only matters that I think you mean it
Tip #6
I like presents. Ask me I can send you a list.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Lines sure to get you in trouble
At some point in every relationship, at least any lasting more than say 6-8 hours, you are going to say something stupid, or one of your friends will for you. The best you can do it try to avoid the top ten most dangerous lines. So here they are....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
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