Tips to age gracefully

Well my boss turned 50 this week. It seems we are all getting older. Some of us are wiser too, but many are just older. I figured, seeing as how I like to think I'm wiser, I should share some of my tips for aging gracefully.....


1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.

2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.

3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.

4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.

5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.

6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.

7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”

8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?

9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....