TIps for the TSA

1. Need to be clearer on what you mean. When the ticket counter said “They will check your bag at security” I sort of thought they meant my luggage
2. I think it’s not so much them doing the pat down as much as the “hotness” of the agent doing it. Frankly if Eva Longoria did the checks, I’d fly every day, twice….
3. It would help if they would stop posting videos of people being scanned on youtube. Or if you do just call it porn like everyone else does.
4. Maybe they could hire the out of work hookers and porn stars, at least then we could get a happy ending when we are done.
5. Getting felt up with the back of the hand really isn’t any better, in fact it’s worse, just do it right and call it what it is.
6. Throwing in dinner wouldn’t hurt
7. Maybe we’d believe it was for security if you occasionally caught someone from the press smuggling shit on the plane as a test.
8. Stop hiring sex offenders. OK I know you haven’t gotten caught with this yet, but you know it’s going to happen. Just throwing it out there now.

The top ten ways to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you

The top ten ways to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you.

10. You woke up in a pentagram surrounded by dead chickens and smell brimstsone.
9. You find yourself in the Arizona desert with a chewed arm handcuffed to you.
8. You realize you are in an alley surrounded by bad guys with knives and you are wearing a cape and a pair of tights.
7. When you wake up you have a Ninja sword in your hand and what looks like a scene from “Kill Bill” in your living room
6. The last thing you remember was doing shots with a Brazilian swimsuit model on Thursday. Now it’s Wednesday, you are in a hotel room in Costa Rica and you are missing a kidney
5. You come to in jail talking to some crazy guy. It takes you 25 minutes to realize that’s a mirror.
4. You have to post a picture of a roadsign on facebook asking if anyone knows where this is. Or even what language it is.
3. You wake up in Vegas next to stripper called Trixie. When you ask her last name she smiles and says “You tell me”
2. You started doing tequila shots in Rhode Island, now you’re hanging from a hook in an Amsterdam show window wearing a straight jacket, ball gag and a sign that says “For Rent” hanging from your testicles
But the number one way to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you
You wake up next to Capri Anderson and you’re wearing Charlie Sheen’s watch.

More dating advice

Talking to a few of my guys at work and one of them made the comment that I'm always hanging out talking to the most attractive women at work. Actually I talk to everyone but apparently they don't notice that and I didn't really feel the need to point that out. I'm sure that says something about my character, and I'm sure most of you have a theory on that. Certainly that whack job, court mandated therapist of mine does.

I decided to share some of my wisdom to help them out. Not sure why people actually ask me, or read these. I mean frankly I make most of this shit up, but hey whatever.

Really I think cavemen had it right. Frankly men think too much nowadays, which is funny when you think about all the stupid things we do. Years ago, if you saw something you wanted you walked up and got it. That included women. I'm not suggesting walking up to a girl in the bar and throwing her over your shoulder is the right approach (especially with my bad back now) but at least it is direct. It's bold. It's daring.

Now men over analyze everything. "What if she says no?", "What if I Say something stupid?" "What if I think she's stupid?" "What if my fly is down?" OK that last one you should probably check for, but the rest are you being overly worried.

If you see a woman and you want to go talk to her, go talk to her.

The top five pickup lines ever are
5. Hi
4. Hey
3. can you hand me that beer?
2. I think you puked on my shoes
1. sorry I puked on your shoes.

OK I made up the last three, I mean how the hell do I know, but I'm sure Hi and Hey must be on that list.

Now sometimes women will turn you down the first time. I recommend the three strike rule. If she turns you down 3 times, forget it; she aint interested. Or when the cops* show up, whichever comes first.

*If she is a cop when she beats your brains in with the butt of her pistol is a good time to stop. Of course you will probably be unconscious at this point anyway.

Two real world examples (for the record not mine - I'm just saying)

1.
Man: "Hi"
Woman: "I'm married"
Man: "Hey that's cool. Happily?"

Now I'm not sure how this converstation continued, but 30 minutes later they were making out on the dance floor so I'm assuming it wasn't happily..

2.
man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "No thanks"
man: "I guess a quickie out back's out of the question then"
woman: "No that sounds good, I just hate to dance"

Go figure.

How women work Part 1

Women are a lot more complicated than men are. It's true they are. All this time I thought they were full of crap, go figure...

Many guys have a hard time figuring women out. Actually they are quite easy to understand. Their thoughts are entirely based on a complex magic 8 ball like device in their heads. Their thoughts are completely random which is why trying to figure them out has been difficult.

At ELMU we are working to map all of these thoughts in an easy to understand list. Unfortunately this is comparable to mapping the human genome, and frankly we spend a lot of time drinking beer so it could take a while, but to get you started here are some of the things we figured out.

A normal woman's main ball contains things like:
I love you
I hate you
I have a headache
I'm tired
I told you so
I can’t believe you did that
I can't believe you didn't do that
I can't believe you forgot
Oh my God, you remembered.
I'm sorry
Do you love me

To make matters worse they have different eight balls depending on what they are doing, or what time of the month it is. During their menstrual period * the normal responses get replaced with

I hate you
Idiot
You're a pig
Bastard
Asshole
bite me
go to hell
I love you
I'm sorry.... that I ever met you, you piece of shit

*For some women the menstrual period can extend up to three weeks before and after this period. We call them bitchy.

Most women have a special ball that gets used in the vehicle. It contains thoughts like:

You are driving too slow
Look out
Do you know where you're going
Are we lost
Watch the road not that bimbo walking down the street you pig
Idiot
Bastard
Why don;t you just ask for directions
Pull over
Your car smells

If you think about it, this theory explains a lot. For example is you are talking to a blonde, she probably at some point will shake her had in a typical "I don't know" fashion then suddenly have a thought. She had a stuck ball and shaking her head cleared it.

WARNING: Do not attempt to change a woman's mind by shaking her head. It will probably work, but is likely to piss her off....

The universal theory of women and men

After loads of in depth research at ELMU I've finally figured out how women work. I've figured out men to, but frankly men aren't that hard to figure out. I mean men are either driven by food, or sex. Figuring out which is important but very easy.

To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.

Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...

When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.

There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.

If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.

Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.

You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.

Part II How women work is next up....

Paris the coke addict?

OK I know people are innocent until proven guilty but I sort of think in the recent Paris Hilton case a better saying is "stupid is as stupid does".

I'm sorry but if I'm going to carry around a gram of coke in my pocket the last thing in the world I would do in front of a cop is take ANYTHING out of my pockets for fear of it being seen. I don;t carry around a man purse, but I'm pretty sure if I did the same rule would apply.

I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well it's not Paris' fault. She's blonde". To you I say that's, uhm, well not sexist, not racist, hairist?

I mean some of my best friends are blondes. One in particular was explaining to me that blondes really aren't stupid.

"OMG Rich, like, blondes are just as smart as other people. In fact 85% of blondes are just am smart as other people with hair colors. The other 25% are just misunderstood".

Uhm OK thanks for clearing that up. :)

Fuel mileage tips

I was pretty psyched to get 50+ MPG the other day and I know some of you asked me for some of my mileage tips, so here are the top ten tips for driving that get you better mileage…

1. AC hurts gas mileage, open windows hurt gas mileage, doing both is just stupid.
2. Coast to a stop light when it’s yellow or red. Running it will save gas, but the cost of the ticket will be enough to make you wish you had just stopped for it.
3. If someone cuts you off you lose momentum and thus get worse gas mileage. The best you can do is flip them off and chase them down until you can get them back. It won’t help your fuel mileage, or Karma, but you’ll probably feel better, unless of course they pull out a gun and kill you.
4. Start off slow from a stop. This is actually quite hard when some asshole is beside you revving the engine though.
5. You can’t get good mileage listening to “Hair Nation” or “The Boneyard”, but hey “Rock On”
6. I know you may think you are Johnny Q. Rapper, but more “Junk in the trunk” hurts fuel mileage. Take all that crap out of the car, and let’s be honest, laying off the donuts wouldn’t hurt you either fatty… (For more diet tips ask me about “The Casselberry Diet”)
7. Overinflating your tires can help your fuel mileage since less tire surface on the road means you can coast more. It also means you can’t turn very good, chose your poison, good mileage or staying on the road.
8. Drafting behind a large truck can help gain some MPG’s too, at least the “Mythbusters” say it does. I’m a big fan of grappling hooks instead. This way you get good mileage and don’t need to steer. Of course you have to make sure you hook on to someone going the right way. Last time I tried it I ended up in Ohio and no one wants to go there….
9. Braking hurts mileage. If possible coast to a near stop. Don’t be stupid though if you need to use them, use them.
10. I know you may think all those extra belts under the hood probably put more drag on the engine and removing them may seem like a good idea, but some of them go to wicked important things like water pumps, alternators or other mechanical crap that you really need. Unless you know what they hell you are doing stay out of the hood. (Same thing if you live in Roxbury by the way)…

Let it go

As much as some things get under our skin, there is always a time to let it go and realize it just doesn’t matter anymore. For some it is a past love, for others a road not taken, for my Grandmother it was something else entirely.

My father and stepmother got a cute little dog named Andy. He was a toy Pomeranian, basically a little ball of fuzz that sort of acted like a dog.

My step mom saw it in the pet store and fell in love. She decided on the spot that my father needed a dog.

I happened to be visiting my grandmother and mentioned this dog to her and commented how cute Andy was.

My grandmother at the time was in her 80’s. She was a nurse for a long time, lived on a farm in Pennsylvania and was a very down to earth person. I expected her to make a comment along the lines of “yes he is cute, but not very practical”, so I was surprised when she came out with “I hate that damn dog”.

“How can you hate Andy? He’s a little fuzz ball and just runs around playing with toys. He doesn’t bite, he’s house trained, what’s up”? I asked.

“I hate all those damn dogs like that” she snapped back.

“OK. I’ll bite. Why?” I asked, knowing there was a good story to go along with this. She was 80, and always had good stories.

“Well when we were kids, we were one of the first people in town to have a car. My father loved that car and we would always drive around town in it. We had a dog like that Andy, called Sparky and when Pa drove the car Sparky got to sit in the front seat and all us kids had to sit in the rumble seat in the back”.

“For crying out loud Gram that was 70 years ago, time to let it go”. I laughed.

She didn’t listen of course and went to her grave hating Pomeranians but what the heck I guess when I’m 80 I can be set in my ways too.

Has it really been 2 months since I posted something???

OK. So I have two interns that just graduated, and being my usual helpful self, I thought I should share some of my hard earned wisdom. So here are the

Ten things I wish someone had told me when I graduated.....

10. It is better to get fired for doing something than for doing nothing

9. There are no extremes things can always get better and worse

8. Always ask out the beautiful girl. The worst case is she says no in which case you are no worse off than before, unless of course you get nervous and wet yourself in front of the whole class and everyone starts calling you "piddle pants", but that's usually pretty rare.....

7. The odds of doing something you see done on television is very low

6. Never invest more than you can afford to lose

5. You don't have to be faster than the zombies just faster than the guy behind you

4. Don't lick a frozen metal pole even if they triple dog dare ya...

3. It is much easier to be sober and pretend to be drunk than it is to be drunk trying to pretend to be sober

2. Car surfing is always a bad idea

1. An ab belt will not replace exercise but if you try it, record it and post it to youtube for the rest of us to laugh it. All that laughing may help our abs....


PS (Special thanks to Scotty M for doing at least 1/3 of the stupid things on this list)

Investment opportunities

Ok I know I am usually not very serious on this, but this time I am.

I have two investment opportunities for people, and while I'm not suggesting you take advice from a facebook post or the internet in general, they are interesting and you should do your own due diligence.

OK The first one is a Boston data center company. They are very close to profitable, in fact they have existing customers already in and more on the way that get them to monthly positive cash flow. They are still looking for investors (and customers) so if you know anyone let me know and I can fill you in.

If high tech isn't your thing, I also got an email from Captain Carl Fismer, or Fizz, one of my fathers old treasure hunting buddies, looking to sell off a chunk of the "Taj Mahal treasure" which Arthur C Clark actually found back before he wrote 2001 a space odyssey. He is selling this for 150k, and it includes a large clump of coins, plus 350 loose ones. The loose ones can probably be sold for $175k which means you get the clump for free. If you are interested in this one I'd be glad to put you in touch with Fizz. Again, do your own due diligence, but since Fizz is the leading expert on this treasure and it was recently shown on Pawn Stars, I'm sure this is legit. There are actually only three pieces of the treasure, one is in the Smithsonian, one in Arthur C Clarks museum and this one. This is the only one for sale.

If you want any more details shoot me an email or leave a comment.

I should know better but....

I should know better but sometimes I still say something stupid. One of my friends at work has been real sick the last few days and she finally came into work. Notice I didn’t say she worked, but she came in so I’ll give credit where it’s due. I was talking to her and she sounded awful, before I could think to stop myself I said “Wow you sound like crap”. Clearly I set myself up for her reply which was
“Really, do you want to comment on how I look too?”

Now I’m not sure there is a correct response for this. I think the best you can hope for is that she is medicated enough to forget you were there, or at least think it was someone else. If you stick to that story you may have a chance.

I do however know many wrong responses including

1. “I figured you had enough children screaming when they saw you that I didn’t need to comment”
2. “Actually I like the ancient greek look, medusa is it?”
3. Just smiling and saying nothing doesn’t work either…
4. “No I figured you just had a long day, as a stand-in for zombieland”
5. “Really I thought you normally look like this”
6. “No, hablo Inglés hablo español” This may work, if she doesn’t speak Spanish. If she does you’re screwed.
7. When a woman is sick it is never the time to try a line such as “Hey baby, want to use my thermometer”, actually you should never try that line anyway…

Child raising tips....

Many people have suggested that since I don't have children, I may not be the best one to give advice on raising them. Now there is some logic to that, but I point out to obvious flaws.

1. While I am not aware of any children, the reality is there could be little me's running around that I am unaware of.

And
2. I was once a child myself and am still very immature....

So there.

That said here are the top nine. I'm sure there is another one, but it's Friday afternoon and it's been a long week....

9. Don’t be afraid to medicate your kids if they won't settle down, I mean why else would they have "Children's Benadryl"?

8. You can't put them in a small dog crate. Use a big one

7. Teach them the value of a dollar. That way they are more likely to stop spending yours and more likely to pick up that quarter

6. If you have them in sports and don't keep score they will learn math. Kids always keep score. Adults are the ones that hate to lose

5. Sharing is one of those must learn early lessons, otherwise you will always have to pay for your halloween candy

4. Children should have chores to earn their allowance not for any real lesson but they are the cheapest legal labor you will find

3. If you teach them they can do anything too soon they will quickly figure out they can outsmart you

2. Silence is your friend. Ask if they want to admit and then wait. They'll sing like a rabid parakeet

But the number one tip is
Teaching your child how to swim by throwing them off the dock and into the water can backfire, especially if you don't look for cops first.

Scary valentines dates

OK so this weekend is Valentines Day and while I think having a first date on Valenetines is stupid and would just cause mroe stress than it needs, many people will do it anyway. Just think how much better life would be if people just listened to me more.... but I digress.

If you find yourself on a date and something seems off, you could be right. So here are a few tips to tell if your date is going to turn into a horror show...

For women
1. He picks you up in a hearse
2. He threatened to tear the waiters throat out with his teeth if he walks by with one more garlic dish
3. Stephen King is the valet, even creepier, he recognizes your date
4. The necklace he bought you is in the shape of a skull
5. The flowers he brings you die when you touch them
6. He takes you back to his place and it is next to a cemetery
7. He orders his steak raw, not rare, raw.
8. He has a hockey mask and a machete in the back seat of his car
9. He says “I’ve been dying to meet you” (OK I know this one sucks....)

For men
1. You try to hold her hand and pull her arm off
2. She orders her meal with an extra knife… for later
3. She didn’t spend any time looking in the mirror while getting ready
4. When you look into her eyes, they glow red
5. Suddenly she speaks fluid Latin
6. Her head spins all the way around and she can vomit 5 feet
7. Her dress is made from human flesh
8. She asks for a hair from you and puts it in her purse. As she opens it though you see a doll that looks like you
9. She has a 666 tattoo on her lower back

Ski phrases that really aren't dirty

http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com for more words of wisdom...

I spent the day skiing on Sunday. Oh sure I'm a little stiff (ahem), but I had a great time. Now when skiing you can hear some phrases that could sound a little dirty. To avoid any embarrassing surprises on the slopes, here are some phrases that are perfectly innocent.

10. "Grab my pole." Many times when someone is learning to ski, they may need help to slow down or stop. Since most skiers don’t carry rope, using a ski pole makes perfect sense.
9. "It will help if you spread your legs a little more". New skiers typically do the snow plow where the tips of the skis are pointed in towards each other. If your legs are too close the tips can cross and you can fall on your face.
8. "Can you help me get up?" Many new skiers have a hard time standing up and having someone either hold your skis or lend a helpful arm can help a lot
7. "Now lean back and enjoy the ride". Leaning too far forward on your skis can cause you to lose control, leaning back a little helps you turn better.
6. "It's cold on top but it gets warmer the lower you go." Yes, many things are warmer down lower, this includes ski mountains too....
5. "This may be a hard and rough ride" Many trails are bumpy and it can make for a difficult run....
4. "We're only two so we need another to make a threesome" probably not what you are thinking, but on a triple chair a couple often times gets paired with a lone rider to fill the chair.
3. "We better get out of these wet clothes". Well this one very well may be provocative, but having a set of sweat pants for the ride home is a good idea. Your ski clothes are likely to get covered in snow so changing into something warm and dry can help.
2. "Are you ready to go down?" Oh sure, many guys have tried this line at a bar too, it doesn’t work there, but on the ski slopes this probably just means are you ready for another run down the mountain.


"It may be tight but it's OK just slip it in, it will loosen up." Boots guys, boots. Ski boots are made to be snug and sometimes a little tight until your foot gets all the way in.

why I'm at work so early.....

The last few days I have been at work by 6:30. When you add in the fact that my commute is 90 minutes, that's pretty freaking early. A lot of folks have asked me about this, so I figured I'd share the reasons I'm here so early.

10. I get better fuel mileage without all those assholes in front of me jamming on their brakes
9. If the sun was up I would have had to clean my sunglasses and it’s just this whole thing
8. Think of all the time it saves me having the parking spot right by the door
7. I’m just plain crazy
6. This way I can explain my looks by a lack of beauty sleep
5. The only way to get fresh eggs is to get here at 6:00 AM
4. If I get up too late I wake up grumpy, if I get up real early and am quiet she stays asleep
3. This way the gym is empty. Admittedly I just walk by on my way to the caf anyway, but if I wanted to I could easily get on a machine
2. what the hell I had to pee anyway

But the real reason I’m in here so damn early is

I find it much easier to convince myself to go to work when I’m still drunk from the night before

My sisters bad advice.....

I was talking to my sister the other day and she mentioned she never gets a ticket when she gets pulled over. “If I get pulled over, I bat my eyelashes, flirt a little, maybe show some cleavage or leg and next thing you know I’m driving away”.

Sure enough the next week I got pulled over and figured I’d give it a shot I mean this is almost 2010, men should get equal rights,. As the cop pulled up I undid the top two buttons on my shirt, pouted my lips and when he got to the window I innocently batted my eyelashes “Was I speeding officer?”.

“Sir, step out of the car” he ordered. “I’m going to have to give you a field sobriety test. Please walk the white line with one foot in front of the other”

Clearly this wasn’t working out for me the way it did for my sister. But I had one card left to play so I decided to show a little leg.

From there it went downhill quickly. I had assumed he got upset when he saw my hairy legs. It wasn’t until my sister picked me up at the station, after having paid my bail, that she explained when you show leg, you start at the bottom, not the top.

My court date is Thursday.