More dating advice

Talking to a few of my guys at work and one of them made the comment that I'm always hanging out talking to the most attractive women at work. Actually I talk to everyone but apparently they don't notice that and I didn't really feel the need to point that out. I'm sure that says something about my character, and I'm sure most of you have a theory on that. Certainly that whack job, court mandated therapist of mine does.

I decided to share some of my wisdom to help them out. Not sure why people actually ask me, or read these. I mean frankly I make most of this shit up, but hey whatever.

Really I think cavemen had it right. Frankly men think too much nowadays, which is funny when you think about all the stupid things we do. Years ago, if you saw something you wanted you walked up and got it. That included women. I'm not suggesting walking up to a girl in the bar and throwing her over your shoulder is the right approach (especially with my bad back now) but at least it is direct. It's bold. It's daring.

Now men over analyze everything. "What if she says no?", "What if I Say something stupid?" "What if I think she's stupid?" "What if my fly is down?" OK that last one you should probably check for, but the rest are you being overly worried.

If you see a woman and you want to go talk to her, go talk to her.

The top five pickup lines ever are
5. Hi
4. Hey
3. can you hand me that beer?
2. I think you puked on my shoes
1. sorry I puked on your shoes.

OK I made up the last three, I mean how the hell do I know, but I'm sure Hi and Hey must be on that list.

Now sometimes women will turn you down the first time. I recommend the three strike rule. If she turns you down 3 times, forget it; she aint interested. Or when the cops* show up, whichever comes first.

*If she is a cop when she beats your brains in with the butt of her pistol is a good time to stop. Of course you will probably be unconscious at this point anyway.

Two real world examples (for the record not mine - I'm just saying)

1.
Man: "Hi"
Woman: "I'm married"
Man: "Hey that's cool. Happily?"

Now I'm not sure how this converstation continued, but 30 minutes later they were making out on the dance floor so I'm assuming it wasn't happily..

2.
man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "No thanks"
man: "I guess a quickie out back's out of the question then"
woman: "No that sounds good, I just hate to dance"

Go figure.

Scary valentines dates

OK so this weekend is Valentines Day and while I think having a first date on Valenetines is stupid and would just cause mroe stress than it needs, many people will do it anyway. Just think how much better life would be if people just listened to me more.... but I digress.

If you find yourself on a date and something seems off, you could be right. So here are a few tips to tell if your date is going to turn into a horror show...

For women
1. He picks you up in a hearse
2. He threatened to tear the waiters throat out with his teeth if he walks by with one more garlic dish
3. Stephen King is the valet, even creepier, he recognizes your date
4. The necklace he bought you is in the shape of a skull
5. The flowers he brings you die when you touch them
6. He takes you back to his place and it is next to a cemetery
7. He orders his steak raw, not rare, raw.
8. He has a hockey mask and a machete in the back seat of his car
9. He says “I’ve been dying to meet you” (OK I know this one sucks....)

For men
1. You try to hold her hand and pull her arm off
2. She orders her meal with an extra knife… for later
3. She didn’t spend any time looking in the mirror while getting ready
4. When you look into her eyes, they glow red
5. Suddenly she speaks fluid Latin
6. Her head spins all the way around and she can vomit 5 feet
7. Her dress is made from human flesh
8. She asks for a hair from you and puts it in her purse. As she opens it though you see a doll that looks like you
9. She has a 666 tattoo on her lower back