Yeah I know it's February and most people make their resolution on 1/1 instead of waiting a month, maybe not procrastinating should be my 2011 resolution. It's not.
No I've been watching the History channel lately and while I think it's at best a joke that they call some of this crap documentary and pretend that there is some semblance of journalism or science in it, it did get me thinking. Thinking "Where's that damn remote" but still thinking.
The show the drives me nuts the most is the "ancient alien" crap. The premise is that the pyramids were made by these cool aliens apparently here to help us, though I think they were just on a bender and messing with us. Apparently since no one can figure out how to stack rocks the same way that aliens must be behind them all.
Then they explain how since on cave walls sometimes they have circles, "That clearly means that they saw UFO's" Really, that was a quote. Clearly?? What a jack ass. I mean maybe it was a patent app for the wheel. Maybe the guy just liked circles, but no "Clearly a UFO". Idiots...
Anyway when they were showing that cave picture I noticed that many times the people in the drawing had their arms straight out, much like the zombies in a Scooby Doo cartoon, so I think that based on this and the fact that the Mayans were too lazy to finish he calendar past 2012 that the world will end next year because of a zombie attack. Yeah that's the other show, the world will end in 2012 because the calendar ran out. Uhm anyone remember y2k? Maybe all the Mayans figured "Screw it, we won't be around in 2012 let someone else make the next damn calendar".
So my resolution for 2011 is to prepare for the zombie attack. A few items I have thought about are.
1. Learn to hotwire a car. It sure would piss me off to be surrounded by a gang of undead and not be able to find the keys....
2. Get some good weapons. Swords, machetes and a slingshot sound good and don't need ammo.
3. Find a good place to hide. I had thought an island would be safe but someone mentioned zombies can walk on the seabed since they don't drown. Hmmmm. Need to put some more thought in this one.
4. Learn how to grow my own food, and preserve it.
5. Learn how to make biodiesel out of corn. I can't imagine with everyone dead there will be that much french fry oil left kicking around.
6. I probably should take a first aid kit and find a medical book. It would suck to survive all the zombies only to die from an infection or something.
7. I need to learn how to make medicine, or find some indian dude that can point me to the plants that won't kill me.
8. Go somewhere warm. I'm thinking the oil guy won't be delivering once the zombies attack.
9. Learn how to blow shit up. Preferably not mine, but being able to rig up some sives to fry some undead would be a good skill to have.
10. Come up with a tenth one since a top ten list is way cooler than a top nine one....
If anyone has any other ideas please let me know. Clock's ticking dude....
Monday, February 7, 2011
Monday, November 22, 2010
TIps for the TSA
1. Need to be clearer on what you mean. When the ticket counter said “They will check your bag at security” I sort of thought they meant my luggage
2. I think it’s not so much them doing the pat down as much as the “hotness” of the agent doing it. Frankly if Eva Longoria did the checks, I’d fly every day, twice….
3. It would help if they would stop posting videos of people being scanned on youtube. Or if you do just call it porn like everyone else does.
4. Maybe they could hire the out of work hookers and porn stars, at least then we could get a happy ending when we are done.
5. Getting felt up with the back of the hand really isn’t any better, in fact it’s worse, just do it right and call it what it is.
6. Throwing in dinner wouldn’t hurt
7. Maybe we’d believe it was for security if you occasionally caught someone from the press smuggling shit on the plane as a test.
8. Stop hiring sex offenders. OK I know you haven’t gotten caught with this yet, but you know it’s going to happen. Just throwing it out there now.
2. I think it’s not so much them doing the pat down as much as the “hotness” of the agent doing it. Frankly if Eva Longoria did the checks, I’d fly every day, twice….
3. It would help if they would stop posting videos of people being scanned on youtube. Or if you do just call it porn like everyone else does.
4. Maybe they could hire the out of work hookers and porn stars, at least then we could get a happy ending when we are done.
5. Getting felt up with the back of the hand really isn’t any better, in fact it’s worse, just do it right and call it what it is.
6. Throwing in dinner wouldn’t hurt
7. Maybe we’d believe it was for security if you occasionally caught someone from the press smuggling shit on the plane as a test.
8. Stop hiring sex offenders. OK I know you haven’t gotten caught with this yet, but you know it’s going to happen. Just throwing it out there now.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The top ten ways to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you
The top ten ways to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you.
10. You woke up in a pentagram surrounded by dead chickens and smell brimstsone.
9. You find yourself in the Arizona desert with a chewed arm handcuffed to you.
8. You realize you are in an alley surrounded by bad guys with knives and you are wearing a cape and a pair of tights.
7. When you wake up you have a Ninja sword in your hand and what looks like a scene from “Kill Bill” in your living room
6. The last thing you remember was doing shots with a Brazilian swimsuit model on Thursday. Now it’s Wednesday, you are in a hotel room in Costa Rica and you are missing a kidney
5. You come to in jail talking to some crazy guy. It takes you 25 minutes to realize that’s a mirror.
4. You have to post a picture of a roadsign on facebook asking if anyone knows where this is. Or even what language it is.
3. You wake up in Vegas next to stripper called Trixie. When you ask her last name she smiles and says “You tell me”
2. You started doing tequila shots in Rhode Island, now you’re hanging from a hook in an Amsterdam show window wearing a straight jacket, ball gag and a sign that says “For Rent” hanging from your testicles
But the number one way to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you
You wake up next to Capri Anderson and you’re wearing Charlie Sheen’s watch.
10. You woke up in a pentagram surrounded by dead chickens and smell brimstsone.
9. You find yourself in the Arizona desert with a chewed arm handcuffed to you.
8. You realize you are in an alley surrounded by bad guys with knives and you are wearing a cape and a pair of tights.
7. When you wake up you have a Ninja sword in your hand and what looks like a scene from “Kill Bill” in your living room
6. The last thing you remember was doing shots with a Brazilian swimsuit model on Thursday. Now it’s Wednesday, you are in a hotel room in Costa Rica and you are missing a kidney
5. You come to in jail talking to some crazy guy. It takes you 25 minutes to realize that’s a mirror.
4. You have to post a picture of a roadsign on facebook asking if anyone knows where this is. Or even what language it is.
3. You wake up in Vegas next to stripper called Trixie. When you ask her last name she smiles and says “You tell me”
2. You started doing tequila shots in Rhode Island, now you’re hanging from a hook in an Amsterdam show window wearing a straight jacket, ball gag and a sign that says “For Rent” hanging from your testicles
But the number one way to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you
You wake up next to Capri Anderson and you’re wearing Charlie Sheen’s watch.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
More dating advice
Talking to a few of my guys at work and one of them made the comment that I'm always hanging out talking to the most attractive women at work. Actually I talk to everyone but apparently they don't notice that and I didn't really feel the need to point that out. I'm sure that says something about my character, and I'm sure most of you have a theory on that. Certainly that whack job, court mandated therapist of mine does.
I decided to share some of my wisdom to help them out. Not sure why people actually ask me, or read these. I mean frankly I make most of this shit up, but hey whatever.
Really I think cavemen had it right. Frankly men think too much nowadays, which is funny when you think about all the stupid things we do. Years ago, if you saw something you wanted you walked up and got it. That included women. I'm not suggesting walking up to a girl in the bar and throwing her over your shoulder is the right approach (especially with my bad back now) but at least it is direct. It's bold. It's daring.
Now men over analyze everything. "What if she says no?", "What if I Say something stupid?" "What if I think she's stupid?" "What if my fly is down?" OK that last one you should probably check for, but the rest are you being overly worried.
If you see a woman and you want to go talk to her, go talk to her.
The top five pickup lines ever are
5. Hi
4. Hey
3. can you hand me that beer?
2. I think you puked on my shoes
1. sorry I puked on your shoes.
OK I made up the last three, I mean how the hell do I know, but I'm sure Hi and Hey must be on that list.
Now sometimes women will turn you down the first time. I recommend the three strike rule. If she turns you down 3 times, forget it; she aint interested. Or when the cops* show up, whichever comes first.
*If she is a cop when she beats your brains in with the butt of her pistol is a good time to stop. Of course you will probably be unconscious at this point anyway.
Two real world examples (for the record not mine - I'm just saying)
1.
Man: "Hi"
Woman: "I'm married"
Man: "Hey that's cool. Happily?"
Now I'm not sure how this converstation continued, but 30 minutes later they were making out on the dance floor so I'm assuming it wasn't happily..
2.
man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "No thanks"
man: "I guess a quickie out back's out of the question then"
woman: "No that sounds good, I just hate to dance"
Go figure.
I decided to share some of my wisdom to help them out. Not sure why people actually ask me, or read these. I mean frankly I make most of this shit up, but hey whatever.
Really I think cavemen had it right. Frankly men think too much nowadays, which is funny when you think about all the stupid things we do. Years ago, if you saw something you wanted you walked up and got it. That included women. I'm not suggesting walking up to a girl in the bar and throwing her over your shoulder is the right approach (especially with my bad back now) but at least it is direct. It's bold. It's daring.
Now men over analyze everything. "What if she says no?", "What if I Say something stupid?" "What if I think she's stupid?" "What if my fly is down?" OK that last one you should probably check for, but the rest are you being overly worried.
If you see a woman and you want to go talk to her, go talk to her.
The top five pickup lines ever are
5. Hi
4. Hey
3. can you hand me that beer?
2. I think you puked on my shoes
1. sorry I puked on your shoes.
OK I made up the last three, I mean how the hell do I know, but I'm sure Hi and Hey must be on that list.
Now sometimes women will turn you down the first time. I recommend the three strike rule. If she turns you down 3 times, forget it; she aint interested. Or when the cops* show up, whichever comes first.
*If she is a cop when she beats your brains in with the butt of her pistol is a good time to stop. Of course you will probably be unconscious at this point anyway.
Two real world examples (for the record not mine - I'm just saying)
1.
Man: "Hi"
Woman: "I'm married"
Man: "Hey that's cool. Happily?"
Now I'm not sure how this converstation continued, but 30 minutes later they were making out on the dance floor so I'm assuming it wasn't happily..
2.
man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "No thanks"
man: "I guess a quickie out back's out of the question then"
woman: "No that sounds good, I just hate to dance"
Go figure.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
How women work Part 1
Women are a lot more complicated than men are. It's true they are. All this time I thought they were full of crap, go figure...
Many guys have a hard time figuring women out. Actually they are quite easy to understand. Their thoughts are entirely based on a complex magic 8 ball like device in their heads. Their thoughts are completely random which is why trying to figure them out has been difficult.
At ELMU we are working to map all of these thoughts in an easy to understand list. Unfortunately this is comparable to mapping the human genome, and frankly we spend a lot of time drinking beer so it could take a while, but to get you started here are some of the things we figured out.
A normal woman's main ball contains things like:
I love you
I hate you
I have a headache
I'm tired
I told you so
I can’t believe you did that
I can't believe you didn't do that
I can't believe you forgot
Oh my God, you remembered.
I'm sorry
Do you love me
To make matters worse they have different eight balls depending on what they are doing, or what time of the month it is. During their menstrual period * the normal responses get replaced with
I hate you
Idiot
You're a pig
Bastard
Asshole
bite me
go to hell
I love you
I'm sorry.... that I ever met you, you piece of shit
*For some women the menstrual period can extend up to three weeks before and after this period. We call them bitchy.
Most women have a special ball that gets used in the vehicle. It contains thoughts like:
You are driving too slow
Look out
Do you know where you're going
Are we lost
Watch the road not that bimbo walking down the street you pig
Idiot
Bastard
Why don;t you just ask for directions
Pull over
Your car smells
If you think about it, this theory explains a lot. For example is you are talking to a blonde, she probably at some point will shake her had in a typical "I don't know" fashion then suddenly have a thought. She had a stuck ball and shaking her head cleared it.
WARNING: Do not attempt to change a woman's mind by shaking her head. It will probably work, but is likely to piss her off....
Many guys have a hard time figuring women out. Actually they are quite easy to understand. Their thoughts are entirely based on a complex magic 8 ball like device in their heads. Their thoughts are completely random which is why trying to figure them out has been difficult.
At ELMU we are working to map all of these thoughts in an easy to understand list. Unfortunately this is comparable to mapping the human genome, and frankly we spend a lot of time drinking beer so it could take a while, but to get you started here are some of the things we figured out.
A normal woman's main ball contains things like:
I love you
I hate you
I have a headache
I'm tired
I told you so
I can’t believe you did that
I can't believe you didn't do that
I can't believe you forgot
Oh my God, you remembered.
I'm sorry
Do you love me
To make matters worse they have different eight balls depending on what they are doing, or what time of the month it is. During their menstrual period * the normal responses get replaced with
I hate you
Idiot
You're a pig
Bastard
Asshole
bite me
go to hell
I love you
I'm sorry.... that I ever met you, you piece of shit
*For some women the menstrual period can extend up to three weeks before and after this period. We call them bitchy.
Most women have a special ball that gets used in the vehicle. It contains thoughts like:
You are driving too slow
Look out
Do you know where you're going
Are we lost
Watch the road not that bimbo walking down the street you pig
Idiot
Bastard
Why don;t you just ask for directions
Pull over
Your car smells
If you think about it, this theory explains a lot. For example is you are talking to a blonde, she probably at some point will shake her had in a typical "I don't know" fashion then suddenly have a thought. She had a stuck ball and shaking her head cleared it.
WARNING: Do not attempt to change a woman's mind by shaking her head. It will probably work, but is likely to piss her off....
The universal theory of women and men
After loads of in depth research at ELMU I've finally figured out how women work. I've figured out men to, but frankly men aren't that hard to figure out. I mean men are either driven by food, or sex. Figuring out which is important but very easy.
To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.
Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...
When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.
There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.
If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.
Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.
You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.
Part II How women work is next up....
To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.
Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...
When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.
There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.
If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.
Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.
You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.
Part II How women work is next up....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Paris the coke addict?
OK I know people are innocent until proven guilty but I sort of think in the recent Paris Hilton case a better saying is "stupid is as stupid does".
I'm sorry but if I'm going to carry around a gram of coke in my pocket the last thing in the world I would do in front of a cop is take ANYTHING out of my pockets for fear of it being seen. I don;t carry around a man purse, but I'm pretty sure if I did the same rule would apply.
I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well it's not Paris' fault. She's blonde". To you I say that's, uhm, well not sexist, not racist, hairist?
I mean some of my best friends are blondes. One in particular was explaining to me that blondes really aren't stupid.
"OMG Rich, like, blondes are just as smart as other people. In fact 85% of blondes are just am smart as other people with hair colors. The other 25% are just misunderstood".
Uhm OK thanks for clearing that up. :)
I'm sorry but if I'm going to carry around a gram of coke in my pocket the last thing in the world I would do in front of a cop is take ANYTHING out of my pockets for fear of it being seen. I don;t carry around a man purse, but I'm pretty sure if I did the same rule would apply.
I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well it's not Paris' fault. She's blonde". To you I say that's, uhm, well not sexist, not racist, hairist?
I mean some of my best friends are blondes. One in particular was explaining to me that blondes really aren't stupid.
"OMG Rich, like, blondes are just as smart as other people. In fact 85% of blondes are just am smart as other people with hair colors. The other 25% are just misunderstood".
Uhm OK thanks for clearing that up. :)
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