Phrases you should know before you travel

I am going to puerto rico next week for work. I'm pretty excited since I've never been there. I'm a big believer that when you travel. you should know some basic phrases in the local language. Of course things like "What time is it", "Where is the bathroom" and "How did I get here" are obvious but there are some less obvious ones you should know as well.

When you get these translated, you should ask multiple people to do it so you can compare and be certain that they are translated properly. I once had a friend translate for me, but I think she confused "Excuse me miss, is that chair taken?" to "Please kick me in the testicles". Fool me once.....

Ok the list of phrases to know...

1. Don't tase me bro.
I mean if that dumb ass from the US can make money being an idiot on youtube. I might as well be ready in case I get my chance too.

2. That goat just urinated in your drink.
Really want to make sure I can translate this before I take a sip.

3. You are already fat, and don't need desert.
What can I say I like to help people.

4. Let's hang this white guy by his testicles and use him for a pinata.
OK I doubt I'll ever speak this, but if anyone around me uses this phrase I really
want to know so I can get the hell out of there.

5. It wasn't me officer.
Always deny first...

6. Where is my change, asshole?
Just like NYC there are crooks everywhere

7. No, I am not Charlie Sheen.
I hate when I get mistaken for him. The last thing I need is a bill for an eight ball of coke and 3 hookers on my hotel bill. Accounts payable watches my expense reports close enough as is.

8. Will you marry me, you know, for the weekend?

9. Please stop kicking me in the testicles.
Wish I had known that one before

10. Holy shit that dude behind you has a machete.
That SOB in the hockey mask, Jason might be on vacation at the same time.

11. Put down the voodoo doll.
You know how those Caribbean islands are.

12. Your pants are unzipped.
I hate when this happens.

13. Why is that smoking.

14. Is that the fire alarm?
Just in case the loud wailing and all the people running away don't give it away.

15. No that is not my bag.
Useful for airport security

16. Can we just forget this, for say $50 US dollars, not that fake money you normally use down here.
If you are bribing someone make it wotrh their time. I mean 50 pesos isn't that like $.02 and really after reading this far do you think two cents is worth anything?