Women are a lot more complicated than men are. It's true they are. All this time I thought they were full of crap, go figure...
Many guys have a hard time figuring women out. Actually they are quite easy to understand. Their thoughts are entirely based on a complex magic 8 ball like device in their heads. Their thoughts are completely random which is why trying to figure them out has been difficult.
At ELMU we are working to map all of these thoughts in an easy to understand list. Unfortunately this is comparable to mapping the human genome, and frankly we spend a lot of time drinking beer so it could take a while, but to get you started here are some of the things we figured out.
A normal woman's main ball contains things like:
I love you
I hate you
I have a headache
I'm tired
I told you so
I can’t believe you did that
I can't believe you didn't do that
I can't believe you forgot
Oh my God, you remembered.
I'm sorry
Do you love me
To make matters worse they have different eight balls depending on what they are doing, or what time of the month it is. During their menstrual period * the normal responses get replaced with
I hate you
Idiot
You're a pig
Bastard
Asshole
bite me
go to hell
I love you
I'm sorry.... that I ever met you, you piece of shit
*For some women the menstrual period can extend up to three weeks before and after this period. We call them bitchy.
Most women have a special ball that gets used in the vehicle. It contains thoughts like:
You are driving too slow
Look out
Do you know where you're going
Are we lost
Watch the road not that bimbo walking down the street you pig
Idiot
Bastard
Why don;t you just ask for directions
Pull over
Your car smells
If you think about it, this theory explains a lot. For example is you are talking to a blonde, she probably at some point will shake her had in a typical "I don't know" fashion then suddenly have a thought. She had a stuck ball and shaking her head cleared it.
WARNING: Do not attempt to change a woman's mind by shaking her head. It will probably work, but is likely to piss her off....
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The universal theory of women and men
After loads of in depth research at ELMU I've finally figured out how women work. I've figured out men to, but frankly men aren't that hard to figure out. I mean men are either driven by food, or sex. Figuring out which is important but very easy.
To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.
Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...
When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.
There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.
If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.
Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.
You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.
Part II How women work is next up....
To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.
Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...
When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.
There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.
If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.
Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.
You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.
Part II How women work is next up....
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