The universal theory of women and men

After loads of in depth research at ELMU I've finally figured out how women work. I've figured out men to, but frankly men aren't that hard to figure out. I mean men are either driven by food, or sex. Figuring out which is important but very easy.

To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.

Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...

When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.

There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.

If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.

Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.

You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.

Part II How women work is next up....