Fuel mileage tips

I was pretty psyched to get 50+ MPG the other day and I know some of you asked me for some of my mileage tips, so here are the top ten tips for driving that get you better mileage…

1. AC hurts gas mileage, open windows hurt gas mileage, doing both is just stupid.
2. Coast to a stop light when it’s yellow or red. Running it will save gas, but the cost of the ticket will be enough to make you wish you had just stopped for it.
3. If someone cuts you off you lose momentum and thus get worse gas mileage. The best you can do is flip them off and chase them down until you can get them back. It won’t help your fuel mileage, or Karma, but you’ll probably feel better, unless of course they pull out a gun and kill you.
4. Start off slow from a stop. This is actually quite hard when some asshole is beside you revving the engine though.
5. You can’t get good mileage listening to “Hair Nation” or “The Boneyard”, but hey “Rock On”
6. I know you may think you are Johnny Q. Rapper, but more “Junk in the trunk” hurts fuel mileage. Take all that crap out of the car, and let’s be honest, laying off the donuts wouldn’t hurt you either fatty… (For more diet tips ask me about “The Casselberry Diet”)
7. Overinflating your tires can help your fuel mileage since less tire surface on the road means you can coast more. It also means you can’t turn very good, chose your poison, good mileage or staying on the road.
8. Drafting behind a large truck can help gain some MPG’s too, at least the “Mythbusters” say it does. I’m a big fan of grappling hooks instead. This way you get good mileage and don’t need to steer. Of course you have to make sure you hook on to someone going the right way. Last time I tried it I ended up in Ohio and no one wants to go there….
9. Braking hurts mileage. If possible coast to a near stop. Don’t be stupid though if you need to use them, use them.
10. I know you may think all those extra belts under the hood probably put more drag on the engine and removing them may seem like a good idea, but some of them go to wicked important things like water pumps, alternators or other mechanical crap that you really need. Unless you know what they hell you are doing stay out of the hood. (Same thing if you live in Roxbury by the way)…

Let it go

As much as some things get under our skin, there is always a time to let it go and realize it just doesn’t matter anymore. For some it is a past love, for others a road not taken, for my Grandmother it was something else entirely.

My father and stepmother got a cute little dog named Andy. He was a toy Pomeranian, basically a little ball of fuzz that sort of acted like a dog.

My step mom saw it in the pet store and fell in love. She decided on the spot that my father needed a dog.

I happened to be visiting my grandmother and mentioned this dog to her and commented how cute Andy was.

My grandmother at the time was in her 80’s. She was a nurse for a long time, lived on a farm in Pennsylvania and was a very down to earth person. I expected her to make a comment along the lines of “yes he is cute, but not very practical”, so I was surprised when she came out with “I hate that damn dog”.

“How can you hate Andy? He’s a little fuzz ball and just runs around playing with toys. He doesn’t bite, he’s house trained, what’s up”? I asked.

“I hate all those damn dogs like that” she snapped back.

“OK. I’ll bite. Why?” I asked, knowing there was a good story to go along with this. She was 80, and always had good stories.

“Well when we were kids, we were one of the first people in town to have a car. My father loved that car and we would always drive around town in it. We had a dog like that Andy, called Sparky and when Pa drove the car Sparky got to sit in the front seat and all us kids had to sit in the rumble seat in the back”.

“For crying out loud Gram that was 70 years ago, time to let it go”. I laughed.

She didn’t listen of course and went to her grave hating Pomeranians but what the heck I guess when I’m 80 I can be set in my ways too.

Has it really been 2 months since I posted something???

OK. So I have two interns that just graduated, and being my usual helpful self, I thought I should share some of my hard earned wisdom. So here are the

Ten things I wish someone had told me when I graduated.....

10. It is better to get fired for doing something than for doing nothing

9. There are no extremes things can always get better and worse

8. Always ask out the beautiful girl. The worst case is she says no in which case you are no worse off than before, unless of course you get nervous and wet yourself in front of the whole class and everyone starts calling you "piddle pants", but that's usually pretty rare.....

7. The odds of doing something you see done on television is very low

6. Never invest more than you can afford to lose

5. You don't have to be faster than the zombies just faster than the guy behind you

4. Don't lick a frozen metal pole even if they triple dog dare ya...

3. It is much easier to be sober and pretend to be drunk than it is to be drunk trying to pretend to be sober

2. Car surfing is always a bad idea

1. An ab belt will not replace exercise but if you try it, record it and post it to youtube for the rest of us to laugh it. All that laughing may help our abs....


PS (Special thanks to Scotty M for doing at least 1/3 of the stupid things on this list)

Investment opportunities

Ok I know I am usually not very serious on this, but this time I am.

I have two investment opportunities for people, and while I'm not suggesting you take advice from a facebook post or the internet in general, they are interesting and you should do your own due diligence.

OK The first one is a Boston data center company. They are very close to profitable, in fact they have existing customers already in and more on the way that get them to monthly positive cash flow. They are still looking for investors (and customers) so if you know anyone let me know and I can fill you in.

If high tech isn't your thing, I also got an email from Captain Carl Fismer, or Fizz, one of my fathers old treasure hunting buddies, looking to sell off a chunk of the "Taj Mahal treasure" which Arthur C Clark actually found back before he wrote 2001 a space odyssey. He is selling this for 150k, and it includes a large clump of coins, plus 350 loose ones. The loose ones can probably be sold for $175k which means you get the clump for free. If you are interested in this one I'd be glad to put you in touch with Fizz. Again, do your own due diligence, but since Fizz is the leading expert on this treasure and it was recently shown on Pawn Stars, I'm sure this is legit. There are actually only three pieces of the treasure, one is in the Smithsonian, one in Arthur C Clarks museum and this one. This is the only one for sale.

If you want any more details shoot me an email or leave a comment.

I should know better but....

I should know better but sometimes I still say something stupid. One of my friends at work has been real sick the last few days and she finally came into work. Notice I didn’t say she worked, but she came in so I’ll give credit where it’s due. I was talking to her and she sounded awful, before I could think to stop myself I said “Wow you sound like crap”. Clearly I set myself up for her reply which was
“Really, do you want to comment on how I look too?”

Now I’m not sure there is a correct response for this. I think the best you can hope for is that she is medicated enough to forget you were there, or at least think it was someone else. If you stick to that story you may have a chance.

I do however know many wrong responses including

1. “I figured you had enough children screaming when they saw you that I didn’t need to comment”
2. “Actually I like the ancient greek look, medusa is it?”
3. Just smiling and saying nothing doesn’t work either…
4. “No I figured you just had a long day, as a stand-in for zombieland”
5. “Really I thought you normally look like this”
6. “No, hablo Inglés hablo español” This may work, if she doesn’t speak Spanish. If she does you’re screwed.
7. When a woman is sick it is never the time to try a line such as “Hey baby, want to use my thermometer”, actually you should never try that line anyway…

Child raising tips....

Many people have suggested that since I don't have children, I may not be the best one to give advice on raising them. Now there is some logic to that, but I point out to obvious flaws.

1. While I am not aware of any children, the reality is there could be little me's running around that I am unaware of.

And
2. I was once a child myself and am still very immature....

So there.

That said here are the top nine. I'm sure there is another one, but it's Friday afternoon and it's been a long week....

9. Don’t be afraid to medicate your kids if they won't settle down, I mean why else would they have "Children's Benadryl"?

8. You can't put them in a small dog crate. Use a big one

7. Teach them the value of a dollar. That way they are more likely to stop spending yours and more likely to pick up that quarter

6. If you have them in sports and don't keep score they will learn math. Kids always keep score. Adults are the ones that hate to lose

5. Sharing is one of those must learn early lessons, otherwise you will always have to pay for your halloween candy

4. Children should have chores to earn their allowance not for any real lesson but they are the cheapest legal labor you will find

3. If you teach them they can do anything too soon they will quickly figure out they can outsmart you

2. Silence is your friend. Ask if they want to admit and then wait. They'll sing like a rabid parakeet

But the number one tip is
Teaching your child how to swim by throwing them off the dock and into the water can backfire, especially if you don't look for cops first.

Scary valentines dates

OK so this weekend is Valentines Day and while I think having a first date on Valenetines is stupid and would just cause mroe stress than it needs, many people will do it anyway. Just think how much better life would be if people just listened to me more.... but I digress.

If you find yourself on a date and something seems off, you could be right. So here are a few tips to tell if your date is going to turn into a horror show...

For women
1. He picks you up in a hearse
2. He threatened to tear the waiters throat out with his teeth if he walks by with one more garlic dish
3. Stephen King is the valet, even creepier, he recognizes your date
4. The necklace he bought you is in the shape of a skull
5. The flowers he brings you die when you touch them
6. He takes you back to his place and it is next to a cemetery
7. He orders his steak raw, not rare, raw.
8. He has a hockey mask and a machete in the back seat of his car
9. He says “I’ve been dying to meet you” (OK I know this one sucks....)

For men
1. You try to hold her hand and pull her arm off
2. She orders her meal with an extra knife… for later
3. She didn’t spend any time looking in the mirror while getting ready
4. When you look into her eyes, they glow red
5. Suddenly she speaks fluid Latin
6. Her head spins all the way around and she can vomit 5 feet
7. Her dress is made from human flesh
8. She asks for a hair from you and puts it in her purse. As she opens it though you see a doll that looks like you
9. She has a 666 tattoo on her lower back