http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com for more words of wisdom...
I spent the day skiing on Sunday. Oh sure I'm a little stiff (ahem), but I had a great time. Now when skiing you can hear some phrases that could sound a little dirty. To avoid any embarrassing surprises on the slopes, here are some phrases that are perfectly innocent.
10. "Grab my pole." Many times when someone is learning to ski, they may need help to slow down or stop. Since most skiers don’t carry rope, using a ski pole makes perfect sense.
9. "It will help if you spread your legs a little more". New skiers typically do the snow plow where the tips of the skis are pointed in towards each other. If your legs are too close the tips can cross and you can fall on your face.
8. "Can you help me get up?" Many new skiers have a hard time standing up and having someone either hold your skis or lend a helpful arm can help a lot
7. "Now lean back and enjoy the ride". Leaning too far forward on your skis can cause you to lose control, leaning back a little helps you turn better.
6. "It's cold on top but it gets warmer the lower you go." Yes, many things are warmer down lower, this includes ski mountains too....
5. "This may be a hard and rough ride" Many trails are bumpy and it can make for a difficult run....
4. "We're only two so we need another to make a threesome" probably not what you are thinking, but on a triple chair a couple often times gets paired with a lone rider to fill the chair.
3. "We better get out of these wet clothes". Well this one very well may be provocative, but having a set of sweat pants for the ride home is a good idea. Your ski clothes are likely to get covered in snow so changing into something warm and dry can help.
2. "Are you ready to go down?" Oh sure, many guys have tried this line at a bar too, it doesn’t work there, but on the ski slopes this probably just means are you ready for another run down the mountain.
"It may be tight but it's OK just slip it in, it will loosen up." Boots guys, boots. Ski boots are made to be snug and sometimes a little tight until your foot gets all the way in.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
why I'm at work so early.....
The last few days I have been at work by 6:30. When you add in the fact that my commute is 90 minutes, that's pretty freaking early. A lot of folks have asked me about this, so I figured I'd share the reasons I'm here so early.
10. I get better fuel mileage without all those assholes in front of me jamming on their brakes
9. If the sun was up I would have had to clean my sunglasses and it’s just this whole thing
8. Think of all the time it saves me having the parking spot right by the door
7. I’m just plain crazy
6. This way I can explain my looks by a lack of beauty sleep
5. The only way to get fresh eggs is to get here at 6:00 AM
4. If I get up too late I wake up grumpy, if I get up real early and am quiet she stays asleep
3. This way the gym is empty. Admittedly I just walk by on my way to the caf anyway, but if I wanted to I could easily get on a machine
2. what the hell I had to pee anyway
But the real reason I’m in here so damn early is
I find it much easier to convince myself to go to work when I’m still drunk from the night before
10. I get better fuel mileage without all those assholes in front of me jamming on their brakes
9. If the sun was up I would have had to clean my sunglasses and it’s just this whole thing
8. Think of all the time it saves me having the parking spot right by the door
7. I’m just plain crazy
6. This way I can explain my looks by a lack of beauty sleep
5. The only way to get fresh eggs is to get here at 6:00 AM
4. If I get up too late I wake up grumpy, if I get up real early and am quiet she stays asleep
3. This way the gym is empty. Admittedly I just walk by on my way to the caf anyway, but if I wanted to I could easily get on a machine
2. what the hell I had to pee anyway
But the real reason I’m in here so damn early is
I find it much easier to convince myself to go to work when I’m still drunk from the night before
Friday, January 8, 2010
My sisters bad advice.....
I was talking to my sister the other day and she mentioned she never gets a ticket when she gets pulled over. “If I get pulled over, I bat my eyelashes, flirt a little, maybe show some cleavage or leg and next thing you know I’m driving away”.
Sure enough the next week I got pulled over and figured I’d give it a shot I mean this is almost 2010, men should get equal rights,. As the cop pulled up I undid the top two buttons on my shirt, pouted my lips and when he got to the window I innocently batted my eyelashes “Was I speeding officer?”.
“Sir, step out of the car” he ordered. “I’m going to have to give you a field sobriety test. Please walk the white line with one foot in front of the other”
Clearly this wasn’t working out for me the way it did for my sister. But I had one card left to play so I decided to show a little leg.
From there it went downhill quickly. I had assumed he got upset when he saw my hairy legs. It wasn’t until my sister picked me up at the station, after having paid my bail, that she explained when you show leg, you start at the bottom, not the top.
My court date is Thursday.
Sure enough the next week I got pulled over and figured I’d give it a shot I mean this is almost 2010, men should get equal rights,. As the cop pulled up I undid the top two buttons on my shirt, pouted my lips and when he got to the window I innocently batted my eyelashes “Was I speeding officer?”.
“Sir, step out of the car” he ordered. “I’m going to have to give you a field sobriety test. Please walk the white line with one foot in front of the other”
Clearly this wasn’t working out for me the way it did for my sister. But I had one card left to play so I decided to show a little leg.
From there it went downhill quickly. I had assumed he got upset when he saw my hairy legs. It wasn’t until my sister picked me up at the station, after having paid my bail, that she explained when you show leg, you start at the bottom, not the top.
My court date is Thursday.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Ten reasons to quit smoking
It's coming up on new years and with that many people go through the whole "New Years Resolutions" thing. Personally I don't bother, I mean if I want to change something, why wait for the start of the New Year? Though, of course, why would I want to change anything about me anyway? :)
But in the spirit of helping others I figured I'd do what I can. I already wrote "The Casselberry Diet" which has helped countless people get on and stay on a diet. So rather than help out the fat people, I figured I'd take a poke at smokers. As usual these may not be politically correct, so if that sort of thing bothers you, rather than bitch about it, stop reading now.
So here are the top ten reasons to stop smoking....
10. I just bought a ton of stock in Nicorette
9. All the smokers in front of the building are scaring off my fans....
8. Snipers often will focus in on something as small as a lit cigarette. Not everyone has to worry about snipers, but you never know.
7. Cigarette smoking gets blamed for everything else, so I'm sure it probably causes global warming too.
6. Don't you guys watch TV? I mean 64% of action movies have at least one explosion caused by a lit cigarette, clearly if it's in a movie it must be true.
5. If you spend too much money on smoking, that's less money you can spend on me, and after all aint I worth it?
4. If people quit smoking they will get fat and then need to buy my diet book.
3. There is that whole pesky dying thing....
2. Quitting is easy. My step father has quit dozens of times.
And the number one reason to quit smoking
Recent studies have shown that women who smoke are 73% more likely to perform oral sex. Hey I like getting my knob polished as much as the next guy but... Wait a minute, what the heck am I saying? Light up ladies, first pack is on me.
But in the spirit of helping others I figured I'd do what I can. I already wrote "The Casselberry Diet" which has helped countless people get on and stay on a diet. So rather than help out the fat people, I figured I'd take a poke at smokers. As usual these may not be politically correct, so if that sort of thing bothers you, rather than bitch about it, stop reading now.
So here are the top ten reasons to stop smoking....
10. I just bought a ton of stock in Nicorette
9. All the smokers in front of the building are scaring off my fans....
8. Snipers often will focus in on something as small as a lit cigarette. Not everyone has to worry about snipers, but you never know.
7. Cigarette smoking gets blamed for everything else, so I'm sure it probably causes global warming too.
6. Don't you guys watch TV? I mean 64% of action movies have at least one explosion caused by a lit cigarette, clearly if it's in a movie it must be true.
5. If you spend too much money on smoking, that's less money you can spend on me, and after all aint I worth it?
4. If people quit smoking they will get fat and then need to buy my diet book.
3. There is that whole pesky dying thing....
2. Quitting is easy. My step father has quit dozens of times.
And the number one reason to quit smoking
Recent studies have shown that women who smoke are 73% more likely to perform oral sex. Hey I like getting my knob polished as much as the next guy but... Wait a minute, what the heck am I saying? Light up ladies, first pack is on me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The real reason behind the blackberry outages
Ugh blackberry is down again. Of course there must be a very good reason. In fact here are ten of them…..
10. Internet router connected to light switch and Chevy Chase’s wife keeps messing with it
9. They are trying to compete with AT&T and the iphone for worst customer services
8. Screw it, it’s just customers.
7. The blackberry support guys were lonely tonight and some asshole in IT started blocking them from calling 900 numbers
6. It’s not totally down, you can still play brickbreaker
5. They are trying to force good family values and get us to spend quality time away from the device
4. Santa is updating his naughty and nice contacts
3. With twitter they weren’t sure they were needed anyway
2. Their network is a little slow and this is a leftover y2k bug
But the real reason blackberry is down.
That dipshit Casselberry needs something else to write about
10. Internet router connected to light switch and Chevy Chase’s wife keeps messing with it
9. They are trying to compete with AT&T and the iphone for worst customer services
8. Screw it, it’s just customers.
7. The blackberry support guys were lonely tonight and some asshole in IT started blocking them from calling 900 numbers
6. It’s not totally down, you can still play brickbreaker
5. They are trying to force good family values and get us to spend quality time away from the device
4. Santa is updating his naughty and nice contacts
3. With twitter they weren’t sure they were needed anyway
2. Their network is a little slow and this is a leftover y2k bug
But the real reason blackberry is down.
That dipshit Casselberry needs something else to write about
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tips to age gracefully
Well my boss turned 50 this week. It seems we are all getting older. Some of us are wiser too, but many are just older. I figured, seeing as how I like to think I'm wiser, I should share some of my tips for aging gracefully.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
Friday, December 11, 2009
Why I love power outages
I was surprised the other day to wake up to 10” of snow and no power. As I sat there in the cold, dark house that night I had time to think of the fifteen things I love about not having power.
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
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