Well my boss turned 50 this week. It seems we are all getting older. Some of us are wiser too, but many are just older. I figured, seeing as how I like to think I'm wiser, I should share some of my tips for aging gracefully.....
1. Silver hair is cool. It shows wisdom and sophistication. Gray hair is not cool. It’s for old farts. Make sure to call yours silver. They are identical colors in reality, it’s just perception.
2. You need to have a cool story to explain all of your “injuries”. Ailments are really injuries that you aren’t sure where they came from, so why not make something up? Lower back pain, could have been caused by that fall you took skiing back in the 80’s so let’s just call it a skiing injury and leave it alone.
3. Likewise the heated seats in your car aren’t because without them your back stiffens up and you can’t get out of the car without help, nope, they are to ensure your muscles relax after a hard day of skiing, surfing or running. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do any of those, if you did, the heated seats would help it.
4. If your doctor asks you to record your bowel movements (Lord knows why they are so interested, but they are), don’t refer to it as a bowel movement notebook, call it a journal. Journals are for sophisticated men, bowel movement logs are for patients.
5. Have a cool goal. The trick with goals is to have one that is a little edgy and a little out of reach. Too much one way or the other can get you in trouble. For example a goal to camp in every WalMart parking lot, is out of reach but not edgy. You look like a freak. Too edgy but in reach like skydiving can get you in trouble. If your wife or girlfriend decides to pay for it for you, you’re screwed. A good one is base jumping from the cliffs in Ireland. It’s edgy and cool, but way too expensive for a surprise gift. WARNING: If you live in Ireland you should substitute base jumping from the empire state building.
6. If you get caught taking your Viagra and she asks what it was, simply say it is for building muscles as part of your routine. Keep it vague and interesting and let her imply that you are working out. Hey your penis is a muscle it’s not a lie.
7. If like most older men, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take a leak, pass it off as you had a great idea for the “novel you are working on”. No one ever finishes a novel and the fact that you don’t show it to her is simply because it’s not done yet. You do need to go type on your keyboard for a few minutes, or write in your journal to make this believable, but that sounds so much more impressive than “I had to pee”
8. You don’t need glasses to see, they are a fashion statement. Don’t use the Mr. Peanut guy, you know, with the cane, top hat and monocle for an example though, ever. I mean a monocle, where they every cool?
9. Never, ever go in for a colonoscopy. If anyone asks it's exploratory surgery, details are so over rated.....
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Why I love power outages
I was surprised the other day to wake up to 10” of snow and no power. As I sat there in the cold, dark house that night I had time to think of the fifteen things I love about not having power.
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Of course since I couldn’t see to write them down and my laptop wasn’t working I forgot 5 of them, so here are the ten things I remembered that I love about power outages….
10. It helps me overcome my fear of the dark
9. I love wearing my ski boots to bed
8. I finally get a reason to use the 40 pack of AAA batteries
7. There’s nothing like the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning
6. It’s a good excuse to stop dieting and eat out
5. No dishes, no vacuuming, no laundry
4. The only thing I like more than watching all the clocks in the house blink, is setting them all again
3. Who wants to watch TV when you can sit in the dark and sing to yourself?
2. It’s always good to have something to complain about.
Of course the number one thing I love about power outages is
I get to pee outside without getting in trouble
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Ways to get on my good side
Well it's almost Christmas and I'm sure everyone is wondering what they can do to get on my good side. Other than the red suit and the beard I sort of look like Santa so being on my "nice list" is, well, nice. Of course some may want to be on my naughty list but that's definitely a different and preferably offline, discussion....
So since everyone is asking what they can do to make me happy, at least until I wake up, here are some tips.
Tip #1
I like brownies (or cookies) with no nuts. I'm not asking you to make them special for me with no nuts. I mean what kind of arrogant prick would say that? No I just ask that you leave them whole so you can pick them out for me.
Tip #2
Notice how I look. It takes me hours each year.
Tip #3
Its stressful being me, you know with my IT groupies and all, so surprise me with a massage. A gift certificate will do fine to avoid any inappropriateness, if you happen to worry about such things. If you do the gift certificate I do ask that it is not to a dude named Biff. No offense to dudes named Biff just not my thing.
Tip #4
Do my work for me or at least keep people from interrupting my afternoon naps.
Tip #5
I like to be told how young I look. I don't, I just like to be told it. Ditto for smart, charming, attractive etc. Its ok if you don't mean it. It really only matters that I think you mean it
Tip #6
I like presents. Ask me I can send you a list.
So since everyone is asking what they can do to make me happy, at least until I wake up, here are some tips.
Tip #1
I like brownies (or cookies) with no nuts. I'm not asking you to make them special for me with no nuts. I mean what kind of arrogant prick would say that? No I just ask that you leave them whole so you can pick them out for me.
Tip #2
Notice how I look. It takes me hours each year.
Tip #3
Its stressful being me, you know with my IT groupies and all, so surprise me with a massage. A gift certificate will do fine to avoid any inappropriateness, if you happen to worry about such things. If you do the gift certificate I do ask that it is not to a dude named Biff. No offense to dudes named Biff just not my thing.
Tip #4
Do my work for me or at least keep people from interrupting my afternoon naps.
Tip #5
I like to be told how young I look. I don't, I just like to be told it. Ditto for smart, charming, attractive etc. Its ok if you don't mean it. It really only matters that I think you mean it
Tip #6
I like presents. Ask me I can send you a list.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Lines sure to get you in trouble
At some point in every relationship, at least any lasting more than say 6-8 hours, you are going to say something stupid, or one of your friends will for you. The best you can do it try to avoid the top ten most dangerous lines. So here they are....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Another Thanksgiving is almost here and as usual it is a time to reflect on all the things in our lives that we deserve to be thankful for. I know not everyone is in the US and thus not celebrating thanksgiving next week, but it's still a good thing to step back and realize we have it pretty good.
Of course I'm thankful for my family, friends and my good health, well relative good health. I'm thankful to run the world's best IT department, as voted for by the East Lebanon Maine Enterasys Users Group.
Of course, these emails wouldn’t be right without the top ten things that I'm really thankful for.
10. I'm thankful I'm not a vampire. In case you missed the "top ten reasons I'm glad I'm not a vampire", you can see it at http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-ten-reasons-im-glad-im-not-vampire.html
9. Tums, which over the years have changed from an after dinner "mint", to a side dish with my meal.
8. I'm not so feeble that I can't come up with ten things I'm thankful for
7. My six pack abs and the four inches of fat covering them to keep all the IT groupies from trying to feel them....
6. The fact that they gave me my new driver's license with no eye test
5. Heated seats, without them I'd still be trying to get my sore back out of the car from this morning.
4. I'm grateful that the radio is still loud enough to drown out the voices in my head
3. Scooter rearranged my Office. Apparently it helps my Chi, or something....
2. Ice cream day
And the number one thing I'm thankful for is
I'm very thankful for the fact that there were no cellphone cameras when I was younger
Of course I'm thankful for my family, friends and my good health, well relative good health. I'm thankful to run the world's best IT department, as voted for by the East Lebanon Maine Enterasys Users Group.
Of course, these emails wouldn’t be right without the top ten things that I'm really thankful for.
10. I'm thankful I'm not a vampire. In case you missed the "top ten reasons I'm glad I'm not a vampire", you can see it at http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-ten-reasons-im-glad-im-not-vampire.html
9. Tums, which over the years have changed from an after dinner "mint", to a side dish with my meal.
8. I'm not so feeble that I can't come up with ten things I'm thankful for
7. My six pack abs and the four inches of fat covering them to keep all the IT groupies from trying to feel them....
6. The fact that they gave me my new driver's license with no eye test
5. Heated seats, without them I'd still be trying to get my sore back out of the car from this morning.
4. I'm grateful that the radio is still loud enough to drown out the voices in my head
3. Scooter rearranged my Office. Apparently it helps my Chi, or something....
2. Ice cream day
And the number one thing I'm thankful for is
I'm very thankful for the fact that there were no cellphone cameras when I was younger
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The real reasons, why gay marriage failed in Maine
10. We were hoping to get Carrie Prejean to come visit. In fact I bet there is a coffee shop in Vassalboro that would hire her.
9. There are already too many people from away, why encourage more.
8. Actually with all the budget cuts, the ballot counters just got tired and guessed.
7. We just wanted to piss off the governor by voting another of his laws out.
6. Anything to get rid of those damn annoying commercials.
5. Having to teach gay lifestyles in school just seemed like too much work
4. We knew it would drive that asshole Perez Hitlon batty. Now if we can just get Chris Brown to go on that hunting trip with us. I mean we did buy him that nice brown suede hunting jacket, white gloves and deer antlers to rattle.
3. Haven't we done enough for the gays? I mean we gave them Ogunquit already.
2. We were too busy trying to figure out about the obscenity law in China
but the real reason we voted out gay marriage in Maine is...
We were afraid that would just mean more divorce lawyers and more lawyers is the last thing any of us want.....
and before you decide to post an annoying comment, this is humor folks....
9. There are already too many people from away, why encourage more.
8. Actually with all the budget cuts, the ballot counters just got tired and guessed.
7. We just wanted to piss off the governor by voting another of his laws out.
6. Anything to get rid of those damn annoying commercials.
5. Having to teach gay lifestyles in school just seemed like too much work
4. We knew it would drive that asshole Perez Hitlon batty. Now if we can just get Chris Brown to go on that hunting trip with us. I mean we did buy him that nice brown suede hunting jacket, white gloves and deer antlers to rattle.
3. Haven't we done enough for the gays? I mean we gave them Ogunquit already.
2. We were too busy trying to figure out about the obscenity law in China
but the real reason we voted out gay marriage in Maine is...
We were afraid that would just mean more divorce lawyers and more lawyers is the last thing any of us want.....
and before you decide to post an annoying comment, this is humor folks....
The top ten reasons I’m glad I’m not a vampire
Yes these are a little late...
10. With the price of coffins nowadays, who could afford it?
9. Dental insurance would be way too hard to get, and can you imagine trying to find a dentist to work on teeth that sharp, that only works nights
8. "I want to suck your blood" Really? Does that line ever work?
7. I have bad night vision
6. I'd miss garlic bread
5. I'm too vain to not be able to see myself in a mirror
4. I hate those damn transylvanian winters
3. Those big stone castles cost a fortune to heat
2. I hate morning blood breath
And the number one reason I’m glad to not be a vampire…. I can't pull off the black cape look.
10. With the price of coffins nowadays, who could afford it?
9. Dental insurance would be way too hard to get, and can you imagine trying to find a dentist to work on teeth that sharp, that only works nights
8. "I want to suck your blood" Really? Does that line ever work?
7. I have bad night vision
6. I'd miss garlic bread
5. I'm too vain to not be able to see myself in a mirror
4. I hate those damn transylvanian winters
3. Those big stone castles cost a fortune to heat
2. I hate morning blood breath
And the number one reason I’m glad to not be a vampire…. I can't pull off the black cape look.
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