At some point in every relationship, at least any lasting more than say 6-8 hours, you are going to say something stupid, or one of your friends will for you. The best you can do it try to avoid the top ten most dangerous lines. So here they are....
10. "Are you still talking?" This implies at one point you stopped listening. That will not help you. She will yell and then start over anyway.
9. "Didn’t that dress used to be loose on you?" Ouch, almost as bad as asking if she's pregnant.....
8. "They are playing our song." Guys you have no idea if you even have a song, let alone what it may be, just shut up and hope she doesn't ask.
7. "Oh my God Rich. I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on", though this isn’t something you said, you're still in trouble. Trust me.
6. "Hi Linda". "Rich this is Kathy". At this point the best you can hope for is an asteroid to smash into the earth. You can try bluffing with "No speaky English" but it won’t work. It never works. Trust me.
5. "What happened to your hair" If something did happen, she already knows and is pissed at her hairdresser about it. This will definitely seem like she is mad at you though. If nothing happened she's still pissed, but this time it is at you.
4. "Oh this must be your wife Lisa", when Lisa is your ex-wife and you are with Erica. Again, not your fault but you still get in trouble.
3. "You sound just like my mother". WARNING!!! Never compare her to your mother.
2. "You look just like your mother". Unless her mother is a current Victoria's Secret model, you're in trouble. If she is a current Victoria's Secret model you're still in trouble for checking out her mom. Pick your poison either way you lose....
And of course the number one thing to avoid is
1. "Honey can you take your name off of your voice mail, my wife may call." Just ask Tiger Woods....
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Another Thanksgiving is almost here and as usual it is a time to reflect on all the things in our lives that we deserve to be thankful for. I know not everyone is in the US and thus not celebrating thanksgiving next week, but it's still a good thing to step back and realize we have it pretty good.
Of course I'm thankful for my family, friends and my good health, well relative good health. I'm thankful to run the world's best IT department, as voted for by the East Lebanon Maine Enterasys Users Group.
Of course, these emails wouldn’t be right without the top ten things that I'm really thankful for.
10. I'm thankful I'm not a vampire. In case you missed the "top ten reasons I'm glad I'm not a vampire", you can see it at http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-ten-reasons-im-glad-im-not-vampire.html
9. Tums, which over the years have changed from an after dinner "mint", to a side dish with my meal.
8. I'm not so feeble that I can't come up with ten things I'm thankful for
7. My six pack abs and the four inches of fat covering them to keep all the IT groupies from trying to feel them....
6. The fact that they gave me my new driver's license with no eye test
5. Heated seats, without them I'd still be trying to get my sore back out of the car from this morning.
4. I'm grateful that the radio is still loud enough to drown out the voices in my head
3. Scooter rearranged my Office. Apparently it helps my Chi, or something....
2. Ice cream day
And the number one thing I'm thankful for is
I'm very thankful for the fact that there were no cellphone cameras when I was younger
Of course I'm thankful for my family, friends and my good health, well relative good health. I'm thankful to run the world's best IT department, as voted for by the East Lebanon Maine Enterasys Users Group.
Of course, these emails wouldn’t be right without the top ten things that I'm really thankful for.
10. I'm thankful I'm not a vampire. In case you missed the "top ten reasons I'm glad I'm not a vampire", you can see it at http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-ten-reasons-im-glad-im-not-vampire.html
9. Tums, which over the years have changed from an after dinner "mint", to a side dish with my meal.
8. I'm not so feeble that I can't come up with ten things I'm thankful for
7. My six pack abs and the four inches of fat covering them to keep all the IT groupies from trying to feel them....
6. The fact that they gave me my new driver's license with no eye test
5. Heated seats, without them I'd still be trying to get my sore back out of the car from this morning.
4. I'm grateful that the radio is still loud enough to drown out the voices in my head
3. Scooter rearranged my Office. Apparently it helps my Chi, or something....
2. Ice cream day
And the number one thing I'm thankful for is
I'm very thankful for the fact that there were no cellphone cameras when I was younger
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The real reasons, why gay marriage failed in Maine
10. We were hoping to get Carrie Prejean to come visit. In fact I bet there is a coffee shop in Vassalboro that would hire her.
9. There are already too many people from away, why encourage more.
8. Actually with all the budget cuts, the ballot counters just got tired and guessed.
7. We just wanted to piss off the governor by voting another of his laws out.
6. Anything to get rid of those damn annoying commercials.
5. Having to teach gay lifestyles in school just seemed like too much work
4. We knew it would drive that asshole Perez Hitlon batty. Now if we can just get Chris Brown to go on that hunting trip with us. I mean we did buy him that nice brown suede hunting jacket, white gloves and deer antlers to rattle.
3. Haven't we done enough for the gays? I mean we gave them Ogunquit already.
2. We were too busy trying to figure out about the obscenity law in China
but the real reason we voted out gay marriage in Maine is...
We were afraid that would just mean more divorce lawyers and more lawyers is the last thing any of us want.....
and before you decide to post an annoying comment, this is humor folks....
9. There are already too many people from away, why encourage more.
8. Actually with all the budget cuts, the ballot counters just got tired and guessed.
7. We just wanted to piss off the governor by voting another of his laws out.
6. Anything to get rid of those damn annoying commercials.
5. Having to teach gay lifestyles in school just seemed like too much work
4. We knew it would drive that asshole Perez Hitlon batty. Now if we can just get Chris Brown to go on that hunting trip with us. I mean we did buy him that nice brown suede hunting jacket, white gloves and deer antlers to rattle.
3. Haven't we done enough for the gays? I mean we gave them Ogunquit already.
2. We were too busy trying to figure out about the obscenity law in China
but the real reason we voted out gay marriage in Maine is...
We were afraid that would just mean more divorce lawyers and more lawyers is the last thing any of us want.....
and before you decide to post an annoying comment, this is humor folks....
The top ten reasons I’m glad I’m not a vampire
Yes these are a little late...
10. With the price of coffins nowadays, who could afford it?
9. Dental insurance would be way too hard to get, and can you imagine trying to find a dentist to work on teeth that sharp, that only works nights
8. "I want to suck your blood" Really? Does that line ever work?
7. I have bad night vision
6. I'd miss garlic bread
5. I'm too vain to not be able to see myself in a mirror
4. I hate those damn transylvanian winters
3. Those big stone castles cost a fortune to heat
2. I hate morning blood breath
And the number one reason I’m glad to not be a vampire…. I can't pull off the black cape look.
10. With the price of coffins nowadays, who could afford it?
9. Dental insurance would be way too hard to get, and can you imagine trying to find a dentist to work on teeth that sharp, that only works nights
8. "I want to suck your blood" Really? Does that line ever work?
7. I have bad night vision
6. I'd miss garlic bread
5. I'm too vain to not be able to see myself in a mirror
4. I hate those damn transylvanian winters
3. Those big stone castles cost a fortune to heat
2. I hate morning blood breath
And the number one reason I’m glad to not be a vampire…. I can't pull off the black cape look.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Halloween survival tips
I happened to watch Halloween 4 last night and realized people just don't know how to deal with scary things. So if you find yourself in a horror movie try to remember these handy tips.....
10. If one of you ends up missing - don't split up to look
9. Don't scream, when you are trying to hide.
8. You will always drop the weapon you have when you need it most, and your perfectly running car will not start either.
7. It's always behind you. If your back's to the wall, it will go through it
6. Begging for your life to a psychotic killer only makes him or her laugh. Save your breath, it may be your last
5. Don't go to the basement, it's not safe. Of course the whole house isn't safe so maybe that doesn't matter
4. Never check to see if the monster is dead, he's not. Just keep running
3. If you are lucky enough to find a cop halfway through the night, it's a safe bet he is crazy too
2. Ouija boards are not a joke, especially at night, in the dark, in a haunted house.
And the number one tip
If you hear a chainsaw running, don't bother asking "Who's there?"
On a completely unrelated post my ankle is much better. I ended up calling the doctor's office to see if I needed to go in. It started turning purple and I had a fingernail do that once and it fell off, so I figured I'd better be safe. The nurst of course laughed when I mentioned that but did say if my foot fell off to pick it up and give them a ring. So far it hasn't, but if you happen to notice a left size 10 by the road, grab it for me just in case......
10. If one of you ends up missing - don't split up to look
9. Don't scream, when you are trying to hide.
8. You will always drop the weapon you have when you need it most, and your perfectly running car will not start either.
7. It's always behind you. If your back's to the wall, it will go through it
6. Begging for your life to a psychotic killer only makes him or her laugh. Save your breath, it may be your last
5. Don't go to the basement, it's not safe. Of course the whole house isn't safe so maybe that doesn't matter
4. Never check to see if the monster is dead, he's not. Just keep running
3. If you are lucky enough to find a cop halfway through the night, it's a safe bet he is crazy too
2. Ouija boards are not a joke, especially at night, in the dark, in a haunted house.
And the number one tip
If you hear a chainsaw running, don't bother asking "Who's there?"
On a completely unrelated post my ankle is much better. I ended up calling the doctor's office to see if I needed to go in. It started turning purple and I had a fingernail do that once and it fell off, so I figured I'd better be safe. The nurst of course laughed when I mentioned that but did say if my foot fell off to pick it up and give them a ring. So far it hasn't, but if you happen to notice a left size 10 by the road, grab it for me just in case......
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sprained ankle
Well I managed to twist my ankle this weekend rock climbing. Well rock climbing is a bit of a stretch, at least what most people would consider rock climbing. You see I was actually trying to get a bucket of water out of the lake to prime the stupid water pump when I tripped going down over the rocks and twisted my ankle.
Technically, there were rocks, I was climbing down them and lets be honest, it sounds much cooler and manly saying "rock climbing" than fetching a bucket of water. I mean otherwise it sort of sounds like a "Jack and Jill" spinoff.
Richie Rich went down the hill
to get a pail of water
he fell down
but had no crown
and now needs crutches
Ok yeah that does suck, but I never claimed to be a poet.
Someone suggested I have someone look at it. While I didn't go to the hospital or the Dr's office. I looked at it and it seems OK. I know I'm not a doctor, but my handwriting's really bad so that's' got to count for something.
Technically, there were rocks, I was climbing down them and lets be honest, it sounds much cooler and manly saying "rock climbing" than fetching a bucket of water. I mean otherwise it sort of sounds like a "Jack and Jill" spinoff.
Richie Rich went down the hill
to get a pail of water
he fell down
but had no crown
and now needs crutches
Ok yeah that does suck, but I never claimed to be a poet.
Someone suggested I have someone look at it. While I didn't go to the hospital or the Dr's office. I looked at it and it seems OK. I know I'm not a doctor, but my handwriting's really bad so that's' got to count for something.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
NYC
I got to go to the Big Apple last week for work and I must admit it's a little different than my small town in Maine. Some of the major differences are.
Traffic lights
In Maine we have traffic lights, contrary to popular opinion, in fact in my town we have two of them. They are even the upgraded ones that change color from red to green to yellow, not just the blinkers we used to have. In NYC though they have lights all over the place, even some for people telling them when they can cross the street.
Restaurants
Ayuh we got these in Maine too, some are even the cool ones that you don't even need to leave the car to eat. Some are the fancy ones with printed out menus and some of the real fancy ones even have cloth napkins. In NYC though, every block had dozens of places to eat. Most of them I have no idea what it is I would have been eating, so I avoided them. One of my cardinal rules is, if you don;t know what 50% of the menu is, you shouldn't be there.
Nightlife
I know Maine nightlife seems like an oxymoron, but there are things to do in Maine after hours. You can have a bonfire, go visit friends, do chores like shovel snow, or chip ice, go to sleep, the options aren't exactly endless, but there are things to do. In NYC though you can apparently do anything at any hour. They had places open even past 9:00 when I went to sleep. Heck I bet some of them were open till damn near midnight.
Driving
I don't usually get car sick, but Holy Crap, cabby's and drivers in general are nuts down there. I mean I've been known to swerve and cross lanes, but only to avoid a chicken in the road, or a moose. They switch lanes just for practice I think, which would be fine, if there weren't cars already in the lane they wanted to suddenly move to. And what's up with the horns? I'm pretty sure you could disable a car by disconnecting the horn. People wouldn't know how to drive in the city without one. In Maine I use my horn to say "Hi neighbor!", in NYC I'm pretty sure, based on the hand and finger gestures, it means something different.
Overall it was nice to see, much different than I'm used to. The people were interesting, though I think I insulted the cab driver once or twice. He knew it was my first time to NYC so wanted to show me some sights. "and this is central park...".
I should have just ooohed and aahhed, but instead I blurted out "Really trees and grass? I've seen those before". Whoops.
Traffic lights
In Maine we have traffic lights, contrary to popular opinion, in fact in my town we have two of them. They are even the upgraded ones that change color from red to green to yellow, not just the blinkers we used to have. In NYC though they have lights all over the place, even some for people telling them when they can cross the street.
Restaurants
Ayuh we got these in Maine too, some are even the cool ones that you don't even need to leave the car to eat. Some are the fancy ones with printed out menus and some of the real fancy ones even have cloth napkins. In NYC though, every block had dozens of places to eat. Most of them I have no idea what it is I would have been eating, so I avoided them. One of my cardinal rules is, if you don;t know what 50% of the menu is, you shouldn't be there.
Nightlife
I know Maine nightlife seems like an oxymoron, but there are things to do in Maine after hours. You can have a bonfire, go visit friends, do chores like shovel snow, or chip ice, go to sleep, the options aren't exactly endless, but there are things to do. In NYC though you can apparently do anything at any hour. They had places open even past 9:00 when I went to sleep. Heck I bet some of them were open till damn near midnight.
Driving
I don't usually get car sick, but Holy Crap, cabby's and drivers in general are nuts down there. I mean I've been known to swerve and cross lanes, but only to avoid a chicken in the road, or a moose. They switch lanes just for practice I think, which would be fine, if there weren't cars already in the lane they wanted to suddenly move to. And what's up with the horns? I'm pretty sure you could disable a car by disconnecting the horn. People wouldn't know how to drive in the city without one. In Maine I use my horn to say "Hi neighbor!", in NYC I'm pretty sure, based on the hand and finger gestures, it means something different.
Overall it was nice to see, much different than I'm used to. The people were interesting, though I think I insulted the cab driver once or twice. He knew it was my first time to NYC so wanted to show me some sights. "and this is central park...".
I should have just ooohed and aahhed, but instead I blurted out "Really trees and grass? I've seen those before". Whoops.
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