My attempt at yoga

A friend of mine recently became a certified yoga instructor and to show my support I thought I'd try yoga.

Never having done it before though I was nervous and called the local studio to get clarification. See I think those yoga pants would look funny on me...

So I called and a nice receptionist answered the phone

me: "I was thinking about taking a yoga class, but I'm worried about having to wear yoga pants"
receptionsit: "Yes well they are optional if you are uncomfortable wearing them."
me: "Oh, great thanks."

And I thought I was fine and I confidently went to the studio....

Then I realized that though you don't need to wear yoga pants, you do need to wear, something. I go to court Thursday.

Compliments.... sort of

Did you ever get a compliment and feel all good about yourself and then like a second later you said "Wait, what?"

Yeah me too. The top five compliments that should make you go Hmmm..

5.Those cookies were great, did you buy them yourself?
4.Nice tooth.
3. I like that shirt, does your grandmother know you borrowed it?
2. Your hair looks good, where did you get it?

and of course the number one compliment that should make you go Hmmmm

Nice ass..... and a half.

Ancient Aliens

I really don't know why I watch this stupid show, other than it makes me laugh. Actually it pisses me off with some of their silly theories. My latest thoughts....

1. Ancient Aliens came out here to mate with our woman? OK like it's not bad enough we have losers buying brides from Russia or Thailand, (no judgement, but if you want to meet a Thai or Russian women, go there and meet them..). But now we think aliens, who by the way can build space craft and fly trillions of miles, but can't get laid on their own planet? Really?

2. All of the things you can only see from the sky are landmarks so they know where to land their spaceships? Uhm, so they can find our planet across trillions of miles or empty space, but then they need us to build them a pile of rocks in a straight line to know where to go? I mean WTF, no GPS? When I took flying lessons they taught us to look for things like, oh mountains and lakes, and I managed to find my way back home, and I sure as hell can't build a spaceship.

3. Some old dead guys had this piece of metal that "almost exactly" matches the orbit of these three stars called Sirius A, B and C.  This is proof that they must have had some secret knowledge that we just learned about. Aren't there like more stars than we can count? No chance it could be a friggig coincidence right? Or that we measured wrong, since they three stars are like 8 million light years away. (That a long way in case you didn't know that).

Halloween Birthdays

Some of you may know my sisters' birthday is coming up this week. As a Halloween baby we were always a little scared of her, you know since she could be part vampire, werewolf or demon.


Now just because you were born this time of year, doesn't mean you are Satan's spawn. I mean you very well may be, but being born near Halloween doesn't prove it.

And in case you were worried, here are the top ten ways to tell...

10. Your teeth are incredibly sharp, for no real reason

9. Your favorite outfit involves a cape

8. Instead of birthday cake, you crave human flesh, or raw meat

7. Every year on your birthday list is the latest model of coffin

6. You screamed like Frankenstein's monster when you saw your first birthday cake with candles on it.

5.Your eyes glow red, even when you're sleeping

4. When you started walking to school, you learned to cross the street to avoid walking past the church

3. You love to go camping, in the cemetery

2. You're favorite Saturday morning show isn't Scooby Doo, It's a Tivo version of Texas Chainsaw Masacre

1. When asked what your favorite color is, instead of blue or pink you reply in a guttural voice "I like red, dark red like the color that comes out of a persons veins as they gasp for their last breath". Ok dude that's just messed up coming from a 4 year old...

Preventative maintenance

OK if you know me, and by now you probably do, then you know "preventative maintenance" is one of those things you do when you have extra money you need to spend. Sort of like "working out" is what you do when you have absolutely nothing else to do.

But this past weekend my "low tire pressure"light came on. So I looked at the tires and none of them looked any flatter than any other one so I drove to the local gas station (which is ~15 miles away) and pulled up to the air pump.

Air used to be free, but apparently now they charge a buck for it. Really a frigging dollar, what the hell? So I put my 4 quarters in and the proceeded to fill my tires. Of course though I can read the legal disclaimer, the size tire and even the brand, no where do they have how much air to put in the damn thing.

So after my 3 minutes of free air was up. I decided to look in the manual. I remember that one came with the car and since I've never opened it, figured it must be in the glove box.

By they way why do they call it a glove box? I mean maybe a pair of Florida gloves would fit in their, but in Maine gloves are designed to keep you from losing a finger. They are big and bulky and have no chance of fitting in the little compartment there, but I digress.

Sure enough in the manual it told me to put in 38 pounds of air pressure, or 35, but probably 38. I went with 38. That of course cost me another dollar....

The good news is I was getting 42mpg in my Jetta TDI which for you poor bastards driving an Escalade sounds like a made up number, but for us TDI owners is actually not great. Now after putting in the correct amount of air, is back up to almost 45. Hopefully I can make up my $2 for air in a few weeks...

What a proud day to be a US politician

As if the fiasco of the last few weeks wasn't enough of an embarrassment, now S&P downgrades us to AA+. OK not a bad credit rating, and S&P is hardly reputable I mean didn't they tell us all to invest in mortgage backed securities a few years ago?

Now China is offering us financial advice. Now China makes some kick ass chicken and other food, but when they need to tell us to live within our means that's just another kick in the balls...

But on the plus side there are some good things that came out of this

10. The canadian coins I've been saving will finally be worth something.
9. I've been dreading having to call Bank of America to refinance since it goes to some indian dude that doesn't speak english.
8. At least at Thanksgiving we won't have to have a family argument over which political party is to blame, clearly they both are.
7. It's been so hard for late night comics to have something to laugh at, this makes it much easier.
6. At least now that the USPS finally admits they can't pay the government, they have something to blame it on besides incompetence.
5. Just think when noone has money for food the government will finally have done something about all the fat kids we have.
4. Well when interest rates are 18% again, we'll spend less time bitching about the $4 a gallon for gas.
3. Hey now all of Europe gets to laugh at our crappy economy instead of worrying about theirs.
2. And we were all worried about social security not having money to pay retirement, heck we'll be lucky to still be alive by then.
1. I always wanted to live off of the land, soon I will be

Good thing we caught these thugs

http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-06-02/news/os-homeless-feedings-arrests-20110601_1_group-feedings-feedings-in-public-parks-orlando-police

Wow good thing the Orlando cops got these guys. That's how it starts, first you are helping feed the homeless, next thing you know you start treating them like humans, holding doors for people etc. It never ends.


WTF. Really? I mean don't they have any real work to do down there. Maybe catch a drug dealer, or murderer instead of harassing good Samaritans... What has this place come to? I mean we can feed pigeons in the parks but not other people?